I'm going to warn you that this post is going to be way more than just the description of the egg eating.
After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.
As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).
This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.
In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.
Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.
As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.
The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).
Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.
Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.
I was a little ticked off actually.
Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).
We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.
I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).
Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.
I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.
He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.
Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!
Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'
He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'
*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.
Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.
I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.
I feel this way because I do it to others.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!
Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.
Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.
This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
#31 -. Share my new 'challenge' with you.
Oh boy.
I really have been avoiding this one. Mostly because I feel that if I skip telling you than maybe I can get away with not really doing it.
You see with my new challenge my biggest battle is believing it's possible. In my head I know that it is possible but my heart is not yet convinced.
To many people this challenge would seem rather vain and perhaps unnecessary, for me it's about believing in myself enough to overcome the seemingly impossible. If I actually did this I do feel that my faith in myself and many other things we control in life would sky rocket.
A lesson I have really begun to learn in the past few years that I was never aware of before is that you really do hold the key to your future. You/we have so much more control over our lives than we think.
Whether it's through our thoughts, the choices we make (big or small), or in our attitudes. We, I believe, have so much to do with where we end up.
Before I get reminded about tragedy or out of control events that happen that plummet people in despair and possibly paralyze their ability to have a 'great life', I want to say respond. Obviously there are things that happen in life that can throw us completely off course. Things that mess up all of our 'plans' for happiness or fulfillment. You may say: 'Eva, don't even try and tell me I meant to bring that into my life'. I would respond with: 'Of course not!'
My point is that so many times we give up on our dreams, goals or aspirations because life has tossed us a curve ball. Maybe it's an illness, a financial burden, more responsibility that we feel that we can handle, well I could go on forever.
I truly believe we are given the desire to go after certain things for a reason. Perhaps it's to heal a wound that we have deep within, or possibly to prepare us to overcome even bigger obstacles in the future, or maybe it's just to prove to ourselves (or those around us) that when you put your mind to it you can do ANYTHING.
I believe God has created the human spirit to be able to take on so much more than we know or understand. I'm not sure if it's the culture we live in now or what but I really think that we rarely see the potential that lies within.
Don't worry. I realize as I write this I still sit at the cusp of emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue (and the plague of one serious guilt complex). I am obviously not a perfect example perhaps of this belief. I fail so very often, everyday. I'm a work in progress remember? But I think as Wally and I have begun in the past 4 years to embrace the idea of the impossible becoming possible, I've started to really see first hand how we can open ourselves up to a world of opportunity if we only believe.
Ok so my intention for this post really wasn't to become the female Tony Robbins (he's an inspirational speaker). I just wanted to remind you and probably even more so, myself, not to let go of something that may be buried deep deep inside of you (or even something that has housed itself comfortably on the tip of your thoughts for ... ever).
I have an incredible desire within me to inspire. Not necessarily to be looked up to (but I won't kid you, that feels great too), or idolized (again that doesn't feel so bad either), but rather to give hope to someone who feels hopeless. I think we all want this. The cool thing is that we each have a different gift to inspire or touch different people. Not everyone is going to hear my story and be like 'Wow! I could never have gone back to school at 28!'. Let's get real, people do it all of the time, it's not that big of a deal. But out there somewhere is someone that has been told they had to live their life a certain way, with a certain order to it. They were taught to live inside the lines and to fear change. That person may hear my story and be inspired to enter a world of possibility.
There are so many other stories out there, yours is one of them, that if shared could literally change a life, or many. However the question is have you believed in yourself or your dream enough to let it take hold of you, stretch you, to mold and shape you into what you really could be? Maybe you don't even know what a dream you have is. Explore and ask yourself what you've always wanted to do or who do you really want to become. Then ... do it.
I suppose at this point I'm expected to blurt out my #31. Timing's not quite there. I'll let you think on this post for a while. Then I'll share.
I really have been avoiding this one. Mostly because I feel that if I skip telling you than maybe I can get away with not really doing it.
You see with my new challenge my biggest battle is believing it's possible. In my head I know that it is possible but my heart is not yet convinced.
To many people this challenge would seem rather vain and perhaps unnecessary, for me it's about believing in myself enough to overcome the seemingly impossible. If I actually did this I do feel that my faith in myself and many other things we control in life would sky rocket.
A lesson I have really begun to learn in the past few years that I was never aware of before is that you really do hold the key to your future. You/we have so much more control over our lives than we think.
Whether it's through our thoughts, the choices we make (big or small), or in our attitudes. We, I believe, have so much to do with where we end up.
Before I get reminded about tragedy or out of control events that happen that plummet people in despair and possibly paralyze their ability to have a 'great life', I want to say respond. Obviously there are things that happen in life that can throw us completely off course. Things that mess up all of our 'plans' for happiness or fulfillment. You may say: 'Eva, don't even try and tell me I meant to bring that into my life'. I would respond with: 'Of course not!'
My point is that so many times we give up on our dreams, goals or aspirations because life has tossed us a curve ball. Maybe it's an illness, a financial burden, more responsibility that we feel that we can handle, well I could go on forever.
I truly believe we are given the desire to go after certain things for a reason. Perhaps it's to heal a wound that we have deep within, or possibly to prepare us to overcome even bigger obstacles in the future, or maybe it's just to prove to ourselves (or those around us) that when you put your mind to it you can do ANYTHING.
I believe God has created the human spirit to be able to take on so much more than we know or understand. I'm not sure if it's the culture we live in now or what but I really think that we rarely see the potential that lies within.
Don't worry. I realize as I write this I still sit at the cusp of emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue (and the plague of one serious guilt complex). I am obviously not a perfect example perhaps of this belief. I fail so very often, everyday. I'm a work in progress remember? But I think as Wally and I have begun in the past 4 years to embrace the idea of the impossible becoming possible, I've started to really see first hand how we can open ourselves up to a world of opportunity if we only believe.
Ok so my intention for this post really wasn't to become the female Tony Robbins (he's an inspirational speaker). I just wanted to remind you and probably even more so, myself, not to let go of something that may be buried deep deep inside of you (or even something that has housed itself comfortably on the tip of your thoughts for ... ever).
I have an incredible desire within me to inspire. Not necessarily to be looked up to (but I won't kid you, that feels great too), or idolized (again that doesn't feel so bad either), but rather to give hope to someone who feels hopeless. I think we all want this. The cool thing is that we each have a different gift to inspire or touch different people. Not everyone is going to hear my story and be like 'Wow! I could never have gone back to school at 28!'. Let's get real, people do it all of the time, it's not that big of a deal. But out there somewhere is someone that has been told they had to live their life a certain way, with a certain order to it. They were taught to live inside the lines and to fear change. That person may hear my story and be inspired to enter a world of possibility.
There are so many other stories out there, yours is one of them, that if shared could literally change a life, or many. However the question is have you believed in yourself or your dream enough to let it take hold of you, stretch you, to mold and shape you into what you really could be? Maybe you don't even know what a dream you have is. Explore and ask yourself what you've always wanted to do or who do you really want to become. Then ... do it.
I suppose at this point I'm expected to blurt out my #31. Timing's not quite there. I'll let you think on this post for a while. Then I'll share.
Friday, May 21, 2010
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me
This is your chance.
As I mentioned before, I will only answer questions that will not invade another person's privacy. Feel free to ask whatever you want and I'll use my discernment.
Don't be shy. I'm a pretty open book.
As I mentioned before, I will only answer questions that will not invade another person's privacy. Feel free to ask whatever you want and I'll use my discernment.
Don't be shy. I'm a pretty open book.
Revealing #36-40
Yeah so I haven't told you what I've planned for each of my last 5 items on my list. Probably because I don't know what they should be.
I'm going to start naming them off and see if I get inspired as I list ...
#36 - Have my first poached egg (I am doing this tomorrow!!)
#37 - Workout on my own at the gym doing weight training (I go all the time doing cardio but am super intimidated to do it by myself)
#38 - Decide what I am planning regarding my blog on doing after this list is complete
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me ... no matter what they are (providing they don't invade anyone else's privacy).
#40 - I will leave to a vote ...
A) Go camping
B) Cook an authentic Chinese meal
C) Let my hair dresser do whatever she wants to my hair
Also mentioned in one of the comments left was to try growing an herb garden. I think I may be up for this next time, it would definitely be interesting for this non-green thumbed gal.
I wanted to admit something while I'm here.
Do to my recent .... hmmmmm ... how do i put this? Burn out, mental breakdown (that seems a tad strong), or whatever you want to call it. I am quite sure I won't be completing my 40 things within the 40 days.
I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying on top of this however I know that you can't, nor should you try to, duplicate a past experience. So, I won't. The purpose overall is to step out of my 'box' and try new things, understand new people and hopefully gain more perspective, not necessarily run a race.
The reason I like deadlines for this stuff is because they make things easier to measure in a sense. They keep you accountable and a bit more focused. I already see the difference in how I approached my last adventure as opposed to this one.
No fears though. I am determined to try everything mentioned and still learn a whole bunch along the way. I do hope to check my schedule and become more diligent about completing my tasks at hand, while enjoying them all the same :)
I have lots to get to I hope you stay with me!
Cheers!
Eva :)
P.S. Don't for get to vote!
I'm going to start naming them off and see if I get inspired as I list ...
#36 - Have my first poached egg (I am doing this tomorrow!!)
#37 - Workout on my own at the gym doing weight training (I go all the time doing cardio but am super intimidated to do it by myself)
#38 - Decide what I am planning regarding my blog on doing after this list is complete
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me ... no matter what they are (providing they don't invade anyone else's privacy).
#40 - I will leave to a vote ...
A) Go camping
B) Cook an authentic Chinese meal
C) Let my hair dresser do whatever she wants to my hair
Also mentioned in one of the comments left was to try growing an herb garden. I think I may be up for this next time, it would definitely be interesting for this non-green thumbed gal.
I wanted to admit something while I'm here.
Do to my recent .... hmmmmm ... how do i put this? Burn out, mental breakdown (that seems a tad strong), or whatever you want to call it. I am quite sure I won't be completing my 40 things within the 40 days.
I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying on top of this however I know that you can't, nor should you try to, duplicate a past experience. So, I won't. The purpose overall is to step out of my 'box' and try new things, understand new people and hopefully gain more perspective, not necessarily run a race.
The reason I like deadlines for this stuff is because they make things easier to measure in a sense. They keep you accountable and a bit more focused. I already see the difference in how I approached my last adventure as opposed to this one.
No fears though. I am determined to try everything mentioned and still learn a whole bunch along the way. I do hope to check my schedule and become more diligent about completing my tasks at hand, while enjoying them all the same :)
I have lots to get to I hope you stay with me!
Cheers!
Eva :)
P.S. Don't for get to vote!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
#28 - A full day of the thong
Ok so I totally almost forgot to write about this one. How could I?!
I think the only reason I've remembered is because it's 3:30am and and the part of my body that used to be housed in my more preferred underwear is currently in so much pain I cannot sleep.
In short: my mind is completely on my ass right now. 100%. Like it hurts so bad there aren't words.
Of course you know I'll scrounge some up anyway, but that's not the point. The point is .... OUCH!!
Oh, and I'm starving. This is rather inconvenient as there aren't notes in any book to tell me what to do when I wake up in the night hungry. There are a hundred other rules to tell me when what to eat but right now I'm so hungry I'm ready to hurl and have worked so hard I'm not sure what to do. (No need to leave me blog comments to tell me to go eat, I know).
BWhy the heck am I talking about being hungry when the point of this post is to tell you about wearing a thong? I guess the two are tied (ha ha ... string) together by my dual ass pain.
Ok, let me focus.
*squinting eyes*
*shaking head*
*grieving my sleep*
Ok.
Last Saturday, completely on a whim, I decided to throw on the dreaded thong. Actually I think it was Dreaded Thong's sibling as I believe I stretched Dreaded Thong to a point of no return (in so many ways).
I'm not sure what did it exactly. I think it was the fact that I figured trying to entertain this little contraption may be easier while pairing it with something of sustenance, like my jeans.
My hope was that this duo would erase all of the issues I had when I tried Dreaded Thong before.
In jeans: the triangle in the back couldn't possibly be seen through the fabric. (However if I placed it right and bent over properly I'm sure I could make it be seen in great trailer trash fashion, but that wasn'' the look I was going for either - if that was the case I'd be purchasing a black thong and be finding my most sparkling white jeans).
In jeans: my most lumpy and bumpy revelations would not (or good lord should not) be visible. As jeans are a nice and ... firm fabric. Gotta love that.
My other concern, regarding the 'food baby' issue, would also be put to rest as these particular jeans are (now that I've lost 16 pounds) a much easier fit and don't require me to be wearing restrictive garments underneath to enable the zipper to fly north.
So, on a complete and utter whim I confidently put my feet between what seemed to be an obstacle course of string and hiked them up (ok so there was definitely no hiking involved as that could have produced other grotesque injuries, but you know what I mean).
I continued the sequence with my jeans, button done up, zipper in place. Then to the mirror I went.
This time I did the back and forth, back and forth thing again, but without horror. I did my best to stick my tummy out, then in, then out. Just in case I felt the possibility of betrayal later when I had lunch. I did not.
I felt confident that I could wear my new ... hidden adornment, for at least a couple of hours.
Once I was dressed and out of the bedroom (giving Wally a clear indication that I may possibly be ready for the day). I think I bounced into the living room. Actually I'm quite confident there was a lot of bouncing on many fronts ... and backs.
Shockingly, this time I was also wearing a smile. I proudly proclaimed: 'I'm wearing a thong!'
'I'm wearing it! I'm doing it! Me ... a thong. I can't believe it!'
From what I remember I don't think Wally had words for me in response. I think it was more of a look that said: 'Oh my goodness are you seriously proud of this? You're wearing a thong, it's not like you've achieved piece in the middle east.' (To which I would reply 'No, but definitely in the south').
Wally continued on with what he was doing and I continued on with my exclamation. The entire day.
While we were in Wal-mart, in the car on the way home from Wal-Mart, during lunch, throughout the afternoon, after supper, and into the evening. When I was getting ready for bed I felt like I had completed a marathon and announced I would even wear this ... thing to bed.
You really would've thought I had solved world hunger or something. Nope. Just wore a thong for a day.
In the end, I was able to complete #28 in all it's fullness (or, well ... you know what I mean).
I am a wee bit shocked at the amount of pride I felt in doing so. I think that goes to show you how 'out of the box' this little number (do the puns over stop?!) was for me.
A few years ago, this whole thing would've been the most humiliating task in the world and I would've never thought myself worthy of using string for underwear (or perhaps felt myself too worthy of it). But now-a-days, with my incessant need to understand others and why they do what they do, coupled with some newly found confidence, (ok and the fact that these experiences seem to give me decent writing material), I was able to enter a new perspective.
I'll never be the same.
I'm sure my assets in progress will agree.
In honour of #28 I am throwing myself a long awaited 30th Birthday Party requesting a thong (or skanky outfit) from each party goer. This will double as my ice cream cake adventure. (I have to entice the guests with something other than visuals of me in their gifts).
I invited ... well way more people than I know would ever come. Lots of strays that are completely unfamiliar with what I'm doing. I'm not sure why I did this. I guess I'm just curious to see what their response is. I'm quite positive they think I'm crazy. I am so ok with that :)
I am very much looking forward to my itty bitty birthday party and sharing a few unadulterated laughs with people that will certainly appreciate my zest for life.
*giggling*
I love living.
I think the only reason I've remembered is because it's 3:30am and and the part of my body that used to be housed in my more preferred underwear is currently in so much pain I cannot sleep.
In short: my mind is completely on my ass right now. 100%. Like it hurts so bad there aren't words.
Of course you know I'll scrounge some up anyway, but that's not the point. The point is .... OUCH!!
Oh, and I'm starving. This is rather inconvenient as there aren't notes in any book to tell me what to do when I wake up in the night hungry. There are a hundred other rules to tell me when what to eat but right now I'm so hungry I'm ready to hurl and have worked so hard I'm not sure what to do. (No need to leave me blog comments to tell me to go eat, I know).
BWhy the heck am I talking about being hungry when the point of this post is to tell you about wearing a thong? I guess the two are tied (ha ha ... string) together by my dual ass pain.
Ok, let me focus.
*squinting eyes*
*shaking head*
*grieving my sleep*
Ok.
Last Saturday, completely on a whim, I decided to throw on the dreaded thong. Actually I think it was Dreaded Thong's sibling as I believe I stretched Dreaded Thong to a point of no return (in so many ways).
I'm not sure what did it exactly. I think it was the fact that I figured trying to entertain this little contraption may be easier while pairing it with something of sustenance, like my jeans.
My hope was that this duo would erase all of the issues I had when I tried Dreaded Thong before.
In jeans: the triangle in the back couldn't possibly be seen through the fabric. (However if I placed it right and bent over properly I'm sure I could make it be seen in great trailer trash fashion, but that wasn'' the look I was going for either - if that was the case I'd be purchasing a black thong and be finding my most sparkling white jeans).
In jeans: my most lumpy and bumpy revelations would not (or good lord should not) be visible. As jeans are a nice and ... firm fabric. Gotta love that.
My other concern, regarding the 'food baby' issue, would also be put to rest as these particular jeans are (now that I've lost 16 pounds) a much easier fit and don't require me to be wearing restrictive garments underneath to enable the zipper to fly north.
So, on a complete and utter whim I confidently put my feet between what seemed to be an obstacle course of string and hiked them up (ok so there was definitely no hiking involved as that could have produced other grotesque injuries, but you know what I mean).
I continued the sequence with my jeans, button done up, zipper in place. Then to the mirror I went.
This time I did the back and forth, back and forth thing again, but without horror. I did my best to stick my tummy out, then in, then out. Just in case I felt the possibility of betrayal later when I had lunch. I did not.
I felt confident that I could wear my new ... hidden adornment, for at least a couple of hours.
Once I was dressed and out of the bedroom (giving Wally a clear indication that I may possibly be ready for the day). I think I bounced into the living room. Actually I'm quite confident there was a lot of bouncing on many fronts ... and backs.
Shockingly, this time I was also wearing a smile. I proudly proclaimed: 'I'm wearing a thong!'
'I'm wearing it! I'm doing it! Me ... a thong. I can't believe it!'
From what I remember I don't think Wally had words for me in response. I think it was more of a look that said: 'Oh my goodness are you seriously proud of this? You're wearing a thong, it's not like you've achieved piece in the middle east.' (To which I would reply 'No, but definitely in the south').
Wally continued on with what he was doing and I continued on with my exclamation. The entire day.
While we were in Wal-mart, in the car on the way home from Wal-Mart, during lunch, throughout the afternoon, after supper, and into the evening. When I was getting ready for bed I felt like I had completed a marathon and announced I would even wear this ... thing to bed.
You really would've thought I had solved world hunger or something. Nope. Just wore a thong for a day.
In the end, I was able to complete #28 in all it's fullness (or, well ... you know what I mean).
I am a wee bit shocked at the amount of pride I felt in doing so. I think that goes to show you how 'out of the box' this little number (do the puns over stop?!) was for me.
A few years ago, this whole thing would've been the most humiliating task in the world and I would've never thought myself worthy of using string for underwear (or perhaps felt myself too worthy of it). But now-a-days, with my incessant need to understand others and why they do what they do, coupled with some newly found confidence, (ok and the fact that these experiences seem to give me decent writing material), I was able to enter a new perspective.
I'll never be the same.
I'm sure my assets in progress will agree.
In honour of #28 I am throwing myself a long awaited 30th Birthday Party requesting a thong (or skanky outfit) from each party goer. This will double as my ice cream cake adventure. (I have to entice the guests with something other than visuals of me in their gifts).
I invited ... well way more people than I know would ever come. Lots of strays that are completely unfamiliar with what I'm doing. I'm not sure why I did this. I guess I'm just curious to see what their response is. I'm quite positive they think I'm crazy. I am so ok with that :)
I am very much looking forward to my itty bitty birthday party and sharing a few unadulterated laughs with people that will certainly appreciate my zest for life.
*giggling*
I love living.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
# 2 - Book 10 consecutive days off of work
Can I just tell you something completely random? (clearly I won`t hear a response and I will anyway).
Our keyboard is completely messed up and when I try and type a question mark some French letter é or É comes out. What`s with that? How did I get the question mark, you may ask? I pressed shift and went through all of the numbers on the keyboard and found that shifted 6 is indeed a ? (question mark).
Anyhoo, on to /2. Oh wait it`s happening with the number sign too. Just a sec ... #2. There. Another random thing. I`ll have to ask Wally about it.
#2 was a challenge for me. Not only because at my job you have your own shifts that are yours permanently which you are entirely responsible for finding `coverage`for when you are away, but also because, as I`ve mentioned before, I have a seriously enormous guilt complex.
I have no fears in my job that the world won`t go on without me. I know it will. I`m new and don`t really have an unreasonable amount of responsibility, aside for the regular job stuff. I really probably could go away for a month and wouldn`t be too terribly missed. I have yet to establish strong ties to anyone person supported that are reciprocated, if that makes sense. I just haven`t been there long enough. The people we support are so used to others coming in and out of their lives that they seem quite used to seeing faces come and go.
I`m not sure if the following is my guilt complex honing in or what, but I also feel that since I am a soon-to-be 6 month employee I have no right to already take a vacation. However, after talking to a couple of other employees who have heard my feelings and where I`m at in my head a little, I was encouraged to take the time and breath again. They understood where I was coming from.
I will admit, I find it completely embarrassing that I am already in need of a break considering the length of time I`ve been at this job. I mean I see all of the other female students in school, working tons of hours and they just keep asking for more. I don`t know how they do it!! I`m nearly nutty!
I do try and remind myself of a couple of things: I was working 70 hours a week between school, placement and work right before I started and went into this job without a break. Not to mention the extremely traumatic situation (at least it was for me) that I was a part of last fall at my other job, that I never really got much time to get over - that is if you can `get over`something like that with your heart in tact.
So once I weigh out these facts and finally settle on giving myself earned time off, that creepy little voice that lives somewhere in the back of my mind (however recently I believe has moved to a place up front) pipes up it`s squeaky annoying little voice and says `Oh but if you take time off how are you going to pay for anything to do?`, `You`re not gonna be able to do all those things you wanted to`, `What about your facial or that hot air balloon ride you want to do? You think money grows on trees?`
Rational little bastard. I hate it.
I find it kind of funny how rational we can be when we are in an irrational state. How silly.
That`s when I talk to Wally and he says `I`d rather have a sane wife than an extra paycheck`. And I think `Geez man, why didn`t you tell me that years ago!`. It`s kinda funny because at this point in the conversation that he has almost gotten me to that point where I`m ready to accept a break but I`m wavering a little and he wants me desperately to `seal the deal`. He`s calm and holding my hands gently trying to reassure me that all is fine. But as I go back and forth his grip gets tighter, his blood pressure rises and by the end he`s the one in need of a bypass because he just wants his wife back (and perhaps wouldn`t mind the maid and the cook too). By the time I make the decision to take a break he`s on the floor exhausted.
Poor guy.
Last week when I was working out with Dee and beginning to realize that my mind felt like spaghetti and I really was having difficulty thinking through the most menial things, I knew something had to give.
When I started my job I said to myself (and Wally) that I would just give 6 months of all out work and then I would take it easy. I would take every shift offered, do overnights anywhere, get trained all over and work every evening and every weekend. I was told the more flexible I would be the faster my permanent hours MAY come. Unfortunately I thought the MAY was really a WILL. My bad.
It`s almost five months later and I actually have less permanent shifts than when I started (well we`re balancing around there) and I am strung out. There`s always another new staff ready to take your place as most `flexible`.
I applied for summer hours, this would put me at full time (which I have actually been anyway, it just has a more set schedule and a guarantee of the hours) for a couple of months without worry of scrounging up hours.
I think it was really good that I sent in my request late, because I didn`t get a contract. And though it is a bit of a blow to my ego, I know for sure that this is for the best. I know I`ll get the work I need but more so I know that I can prioritize my time the way I want to now. I could not do that with a commitment of a contract.
I chose to only work 25 hours this week, which has really felt like a holiday, however still not nearly enough to sort out my head (I`m confident heads don`t get fixed in microwave time). I`ve been able to blog a bit, try and think more on want I might want to do this summer with some extra time, focus on goals that I actually want to see come to fruition and others that really aren't worth the fight.
It`s been good.
I feel like I do have more to offer than a 44 hour work week in exchange for a paycheck. I have ideas to share, I have thoughts to express. I want more than a paycheck out of life. I want fulfillment.
Now the hard part ... how to sift through all of the things everyone else wants out of me and find out what I am meant to do.
And.
To have fun doing it.
We`ll see :)
Our keyboard is completely messed up and when I try and type a question mark some French letter é or É comes out. What`s with that? How did I get the question mark, you may ask? I pressed shift and went through all of the numbers on the keyboard and found that shifted 6 is indeed a ? (question mark).
Anyhoo, on to /2. Oh wait it`s happening with the number sign too. Just a sec ... #2. There. Another random thing. I`ll have to ask Wally about it.
#2 was a challenge for me. Not only because at my job you have your own shifts that are yours permanently which you are entirely responsible for finding `coverage`for when you are away, but also because, as I`ve mentioned before, I have a seriously enormous guilt complex.
I have no fears in my job that the world won`t go on without me. I know it will. I`m new and don`t really have an unreasonable amount of responsibility, aside for the regular job stuff. I really probably could go away for a month and wouldn`t be too terribly missed. I have yet to establish strong ties to anyone person supported that are reciprocated, if that makes sense. I just haven`t been there long enough. The people we support are so used to others coming in and out of their lives that they seem quite used to seeing faces come and go.
I`m not sure if the following is my guilt complex honing in or what, but I also feel that since I am a soon-to-be 6 month employee I have no right to already take a vacation. However, after talking to a couple of other employees who have heard my feelings and where I`m at in my head a little, I was encouraged to take the time and breath again. They understood where I was coming from.
I will admit, I find it completely embarrassing that I am already in need of a break considering the length of time I`ve been at this job. I mean I see all of the other female students in school, working tons of hours and they just keep asking for more. I don`t know how they do it!! I`m nearly nutty!
I do try and remind myself of a couple of things: I was working 70 hours a week between school, placement and work right before I started and went into this job without a break. Not to mention the extremely traumatic situation (at least it was for me) that I was a part of last fall at my other job, that I never really got much time to get over - that is if you can `get over`something like that with your heart in tact.
So once I weigh out these facts and finally settle on giving myself earned time off, that creepy little voice that lives somewhere in the back of my mind (however recently I believe has moved to a place up front) pipes up it`s squeaky annoying little voice and says `Oh but if you take time off how are you going to pay for anything to do?`, `You`re not gonna be able to do all those things you wanted to`, `What about your facial or that hot air balloon ride you want to do? You think money grows on trees?`
Rational little bastard. I hate it.
I find it kind of funny how rational we can be when we are in an irrational state. How silly.
That`s when I talk to Wally and he says `I`d rather have a sane wife than an extra paycheck`. And I think `Geez man, why didn`t you tell me that years ago!`. It`s kinda funny because at this point in the conversation that he has almost gotten me to that point where I`m ready to accept a break but I`m wavering a little and he wants me desperately to `seal the deal`. He`s calm and holding my hands gently trying to reassure me that all is fine. But as I go back and forth his grip gets tighter, his blood pressure rises and by the end he`s the one in need of a bypass because he just wants his wife back (and perhaps wouldn`t mind the maid and the cook too). By the time I make the decision to take a break he`s on the floor exhausted.
Poor guy.
Last week when I was working out with Dee and beginning to realize that my mind felt like spaghetti and I really was having difficulty thinking through the most menial things, I knew something had to give.
When I started my job I said to myself (and Wally) that I would just give 6 months of all out work and then I would take it easy. I would take every shift offered, do overnights anywhere, get trained all over and work every evening and every weekend. I was told the more flexible I would be the faster my permanent hours MAY come. Unfortunately I thought the MAY was really a WILL. My bad.
It`s almost five months later and I actually have less permanent shifts than when I started (well we`re balancing around there) and I am strung out. There`s always another new staff ready to take your place as most `flexible`.
I applied for summer hours, this would put me at full time (which I have actually been anyway, it just has a more set schedule and a guarantee of the hours) for a couple of months without worry of scrounging up hours.
I think it was really good that I sent in my request late, because I didn`t get a contract. And though it is a bit of a blow to my ego, I know for sure that this is for the best. I know I`ll get the work I need but more so I know that I can prioritize my time the way I want to now. I could not do that with a commitment of a contract.
I chose to only work 25 hours this week, which has really felt like a holiday, however still not nearly enough to sort out my head (I`m confident heads don`t get fixed in microwave time). I`ve been able to blog a bit, try and think more on want I might want to do this summer with some extra time, focus on goals that I actually want to see come to fruition and others that really aren't worth the fight.
It`s been good.
I feel like I do have more to offer than a 44 hour work week in exchange for a paycheck. I have ideas to share, I have thoughts to express. I want more than a paycheck out of life. I want fulfillment.
Now the hard part ... how to sift through all of the things everyone else wants out of me and find out what I am meant to do.
And.
To have fun doing it.
We`ll see :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
#5 - Meet up with an old high school friend I haven't chatted with in years
As I mentioned before this was sort of already planned but I thought it might be something fun to write about and reflect upon.
I'm not sure how many of you all stay in contact with those you went to primary or high school with. I know since the development of facebook people have definitely gotten more connected. I'll admit I reconnected with this friend originally on facebook but only on a very surface level.
We met in grade 9 and quickly found ourselves in the same group of friends. We hung out in our group at lunch, for after school stuff, you know the way teenagers do. I was never really close with Sasha, we were more friends by association, however we did like eachother very much (at least I liked her).
Since I stayed in our home town for years after high school I was still connected with her family somewhat. Wally mentored her little brother a bit and I ran into her parents and sometimes even her every now and then. We'd chat a bit. Catch up on weddings, babies and jobs. That was about it.
Until she found my blog.
From what I remember from her e-mail she was kinda just browsing through a mutual friend's blog list and mine was there. She did a bit of reading before she realized the 'anonymous' blogger was me. Apparently she read through the entire thing and finally, after receiving a party invite, contacted me to tell me she'd been reading for a while. She didn't want to tell me in fear I'd feel obligated to invite her to the party. Lucky her she was invited anyway!
I remember reading her e-mail explaining how she felt like she knew me more now (after reading the blog) than she ever had before. She went on to say through reading my blog she understood much better why Wally and I didn't have kids (she even apologized for judging - pffst ... like she had to do that!). Sasha said she felt that through reading my thoughts she learned more about herself and was able to really think about some stuff.
That e-mail meant so much to me. So much.
Sasha was excited for the invite to the party and though circumstances did not allow for her to be there instead we made a date to catch up. See my party was about so much more than a party.
I guarded May 17th with my life and made the hour and a half drive down (or up I'm not certain) the highway to see her and meet her 2 kiddos.
I have to share that just as much of this challenge was driving to see my friend. I'm not a veteran highway driver my any means. I don't mind using it at all really, the challenges for me are all of the cut offs, ramps and basically the directions. Have I mentioned how bad I am with directions?
The drive was going well until I got to my first real 'stay left'. the problem was the GPS chick informed me of 'staying left' about 5 seconds AFTER I veered right. Bitch. It's like she was toying with my insecurities.
So I let out an expletive and followed some signs that appeared hopeful to take me where I needed to return to. They were clearly playing with my lack of directive abilities as well as they completely lied.
I listened to the ... lady for a while until I saw a sign that I thought I could trust and I soon found myself back where I was supposed to be. Phew!!
I arrived about a 1/2 hour later than planned, which for me now a days was right on time.
I knocked on the door and soon tip toed in the house to be greeted by Sasha and her very adorable baby Jakey. Wally would've loved him.
Once organizing babyness we sat and streamed easily into a comfortable conversation. We talked about so and so from high school, what's her face, and what's his name. Caught up on who was where and doing what with whom. We talked about our families a bit and hit on the in law situation (a hot topic for almost every married woman).
We even got to go a little deeper with things. Talking about challenges in marriage, having kids, not having kids. Just life.
You know what I loved? That it felt like we were close friends of old. Really we weren't that close before. It felt like no time had passed. Ten years had passed. It felt so ... comfortable.
Having gone back to school after nearly ten years of being out. Then starting a couple of new jobs after never entering a 'real' job type atmosphere. I have really gotten used to uncomfortable conversation. You know that rigid, surfacey, distant conversation that you do because that's what you do.
Obviously you can't expect to jump into personal stuff with strangers but once in a while you get lucky and you can be yourself and understood from step one. That is awesome.
I'm gonna guess that the fact that Sasha read my blog already and pretty much had a giant window into my thoughts and heart helped our time be more relaxed and easy. However it was more than that. It was that Sasha not only peaked through he window to my soul, but accepted it and decided to engage.
She didn't have to. She could easily have decided to mark me as a useless, misunderstood non kid person who knows nothing about anything. (I'll be honest if I had kids that's what I would think, because come on, really, how can someone lacking that huge responsibility know about ... well ... anything. I'm not kidding that's what I would think).
Sasha and I visited for almost three and half hours before I needed to head home. I got to meet her older kiddo too, who reminded me of a precious moments figurine - so cute.
I have so much more to share about my observations on motherhood after my visit with Sasha but I'll save them for a collectively thoughtful post.
My visit with my old high school friend was awesome. It was worth the 3 hours in the car, 2 traffic jams, 1 serious bout with construction and my interesting detour.
What did I learn?
If you open yourself up to it life can bring you many unexpected friends. Often we look at someone who was a friend in a certain way and never see them any other way but sometimes when time passes, people grow and change and you just never know who might be brought back into your life. It's really very cool.
In the past year (well probably way longer) I have been pursuing an honest life, to be my most honest self. Through that I have opened myself up to rejection, misunderstanding, judgment and people just not liking me. I haven't always been tactful, kind or thoughtful in how I present my 'true self' and let's be honest I'm not sure if it's possible or healthy to be your truest self to everyone.
I have questioned myself several times when I've allowed people inside my deepest thoughts and musings, wondering if it is wise. But if I'm going to be honest about who I am it's just got to happen.
By letting people in, like Sasha (and many of you), I have reaped the rewards of unexpected 'connections'. I am fascinated by this, by you. I am fascinated that one person could experience something that so many others can identify with even though they have not gone through it exactly. And I find it amazing that we can often feel so disconnected in this world full of billions of people.
That's why I think it's so important to be brutally honest. We think we are alone, but we're not. When we aren't connected to others we easily begin to feel sorry for ourselves, we lose perspective and we fall into despair. But if we can only be honest about things we could maybe, just maybe hold on to a little something, a little someone that might be able to help up back to reality (what ever the hell that is).
I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you, I'm really just rambling.
Bottom line = sometimes being honest about who you are and sharing it with others hurts, but sometimes it's the best gift you could receive.
I'm not sure how many of you all stay in contact with those you went to primary or high school with. I know since the development of facebook people have definitely gotten more connected. I'll admit I reconnected with this friend originally on facebook but only on a very surface level.
We met in grade 9 and quickly found ourselves in the same group of friends. We hung out in our group at lunch, for after school stuff, you know the way teenagers do. I was never really close with Sasha, we were more friends by association, however we did like eachother very much (at least I liked her).
Since I stayed in our home town for years after high school I was still connected with her family somewhat. Wally mentored her little brother a bit and I ran into her parents and sometimes even her every now and then. We'd chat a bit. Catch up on weddings, babies and jobs. That was about it.
Until she found my blog.
From what I remember from her e-mail she was kinda just browsing through a mutual friend's blog list and mine was there. She did a bit of reading before she realized the 'anonymous' blogger was me. Apparently she read through the entire thing and finally, after receiving a party invite, contacted me to tell me she'd been reading for a while. She didn't want to tell me in fear I'd feel obligated to invite her to the party. Lucky her she was invited anyway!
I remember reading her e-mail explaining how she felt like she knew me more now (after reading the blog) than she ever had before. She went on to say through reading my blog she understood much better why Wally and I didn't have kids (she even apologized for judging - pffst ... like she had to do that!). Sasha said she felt that through reading my thoughts she learned more about herself and was able to really think about some stuff.
That e-mail meant so much to me. So much.
Sasha was excited for the invite to the party and though circumstances did not allow for her to be there instead we made a date to catch up. See my party was about so much more than a party.
I guarded May 17th with my life and made the hour and a half drive down (or up I'm not certain) the highway to see her and meet her 2 kiddos.
I have to share that just as much of this challenge was driving to see my friend. I'm not a veteran highway driver my any means. I don't mind using it at all really, the challenges for me are all of the cut offs, ramps and basically the directions. Have I mentioned how bad I am with directions?
The drive was going well until I got to my first real 'stay left'. the problem was the GPS chick informed me of 'staying left' about 5 seconds AFTER I veered right. Bitch. It's like she was toying with my insecurities.
So I let out an expletive and followed some signs that appeared hopeful to take me where I needed to return to. They were clearly playing with my lack of directive abilities as well as they completely lied.
I listened to the ... lady for a while until I saw a sign that I thought I could trust and I soon found myself back where I was supposed to be. Phew!!
I arrived about a 1/2 hour later than planned, which for me now a days was right on time.
I knocked on the door and soon tip toed in the house to be greeted by Sasha and her very adorable baby Jakey. Wally would've loved him.
Once organizing babyness we sat and streamed easily into a comfortable conversation. We talked about so and so from high school, what's her face, and what's his name. Caught up on who was where and doing what with whom. We talked about our families a bit and hit on the in law situation (a hot topic for almost every married woman).
We even got to go a little deeper with things. Talking about challenges in marriage, having kids, not having kids. Just life.
You know what I loved? That it felt like we were close friends of old. Really we weren't that close before. It felt like no time had passed. Ten years had passed. It felt so ... comfortable.
Having gone back to school after nearly ten years of being out. Then starting a couple of new jobs after never entering a 'real' job type atmosphere. I have really gotten used to uncomfortable conversation. You know that rigid, surfacey, distant conversation that you do because that's what you do.
Obviously you can't expect to jump into personal stuff with strangers but once in a while you get lucky and you can be yourself and understood from step one. That is awesome.
I'm gonna guess that the fact that Sasha read my blog already and pretty much had a giant window into my thoughts and heart helped our time be more relaxed and easy. However it was more than that. It was that Sasha not only peaked through he window to my soul, but accepted it and decided to engage.
She didn't have to. She could easily have decided to mark me as a useless, misunderstood non kid person who knows nothing about anything. (I'll be honest if I had kids that's what I would think, because come on, really, how can someone lacking that huge responsibility know about ... well ... anything. I'm not kidding that's what I would think).
Sasha and I visited for almost three and half hours before I needed to head home. I got to meet her older kiddo too, who reminded me of a precious moments figurine - so cute.
I have so much more to share about my observations on motherhood after my visit with Sasha but I'll save them for a collectively thoughtful post.
My visit with my old high school friend was awesome. It was worth the 3 hours in the car, 2 traffic jams, 1 serious bout with construction and my interesting detour.
What did I learn?
If you open yourself up to it life can bring you many unexpected friends. Often we look at someone who was a friend in a certain way and never see them any other way but sometimes when time passes, people grow and change and you just never know who might be brought back into your life. It's really very cool.
In the past year (well probably way longer) I have been pursuing an honest life, to be my most honest self. Through that I have opened myself up to rejection, misunderstanding, judgment and people just not liking me. I haven't always been tactful, kind or thoughtful in how I present my 'true self' and let's be honest I'm not sure if it's possible or healthy to be your truest self to everyone.
I have questioned myself several times when I've allowed people inside my deepest thoughts and musings, wondering if it is wise. But if I'm going to be honest about who I am it's just got to happen.
By letting people in, like Sasha (and many of you), I have reaped the rewards of unexpected 'connections'. I am fascinated by this, by you. I am fascinated that one person could experience something that so many others can identify with even though they have not gone through it exactly. And I find it amazing that we can often feel so disconnected in this world full of billions of people.
That's why I think it's so important to be brutally honest. We think we are alone, but we're not. When we aren't connected to others we easily begin to feel sorry for ourselves, we lose perspective and we fall into despair. But if we can only be honest about things we could maybe, just maybe hold on to a little something, a little someone that might be able to help up back to reality (what ever the hell that is).
I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you, I'm really just rambling.
Bottom line = sometimes being honest about who you are and sharing it with others hurts, but sometimes it's the best gift you could receive.
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