Things are looking up....

Yes they are.

Thank you for the encouraging comments and e-mails that were sent out. I am beginning to feel better.

I did finally take a sleep aid to help with that the other night and I slept 9 1/2 hours!! A miracle for this non-sleeper. Unfortunately I followed that evening with 0 hours of sleep lastnight during my overnight shift at work (and everyone was quiet as mice for 7 hours!!). I plan on getting a good night's sleep tonight and through the week, and am hoping my other 2 overnights at work this week are a bit better (they should be they are at 2 other places that are more relaxed).

As far as my neck ... I went and did a very low key workout Friday with Dee and for some reason my neck felt better - not perfect but better after. Wally and I worked out on our own for the first time (like a workout Dee would have given us!) today and my neck is feeling great. This is very good news! I hope to get a massage or two in after the party (thanks for the e-mail recommendations!!).

About the party ... I am feeling much more at peace about things as a wonderful reader and friend has offered their incredible services to help me not go completely insane - it should be fun to not only stay ahead of things but do it with someone else (especially who's going to be at the party!!).

I have received a handful of last minute RSVPs of people that ARE indeed coming. Several of whom I doubted would. One is my old best friend from high school - that one shocked me, I am very excited to see her again and be able to have the fun we haven't shared in over a decade together.

I also have to mention another e-mail I got from another old friend saying they won't be able to make it but do want to get together. This is such a blessing!!! We haven't really hung out one on one since high school either. Even then it was mostly in a group setting. I am so looking forward to seeing where the reconnecting will take us - what an incredible gift the idea of this party has already been.

I hate using the word blessed because I think it carries much more meaning than we give it when we throw it around here and there. But I cannot think of a more appropriate word for how I am feeling right now. I have incredible friends. The problem is the past 8 months of my life I have spent all of my time immersed in scholastic and work goals. It's time to ease off and re-prioritize things. Get back to living the way I believe I should. With people.

My hope is that this party will not only be a night to remember but a night of re-kindling relationships from days gone by and nurturing potential friendships as well. The point is to be able to give just a hint of life and love back to those who have meant so much in our lives.

Actually today I already starting thinking of what it will be like when it's over and I started getting sad. But then I remembered the friend I will be getting to see afterwards and perhaps some of the friendships that will be renewed because of it. That is when the real fun will begin.

For those of you who sent encouraging messages THANK YOU!!! I needed them more than you know.

I still have more to share in the 'Sorting Thoughts' area but that will have to come later. It was funny I was telling Dee the other day that I wrote a blog and that I was able to connect with people through it. I mentioned at one point how odd it can be for virtual strangers (at times) to know my inner thoughts, struggles and experiences. I mean you don't go around every day telling people that you were molested by your uncle, or you have thoughts of leaving your husband to be single again. Dee mentioned that I didn't have to share all that stuff, but I said 'That's what my blog's all about, being honest, being real'. Hopefully by doing that making sure others know they are not alone in this world buy feeling these things or going through such events. I know I feel better knowing I'm not totally evil to have feelings that another human has shared.

I hope in the coming weeks I will be able to carve out more time to regularly blog. I love the connection it gives me - I'm very selfish that way. I feel like getting out all of these ponderings I am better able to figure things out, to grow and maybe, hopefully help others grow a tiny bit too.

Well, I better get myself off to bed. I have some catching up to do.

Blessings friends and thank you. For everything.

Sorting Thoughts - Part 1

I sit here now on night 7 of barely sleeping. I will admit freely that I'm at the end of my rope completely and in desperate need of rest, which could be the reason for my recent emotional and mental break down or only part of the problem.

I'm leaning toward the latter.

I'm blogging in hopes of therapizing (my own word) myself enough to summon rest.

*big breath*

So I have no idea even where to start in sharing what has been going on in my life lately to bring me to the brink of insanity. Some might say I didn't have far to go but I oppose that thought ... for the most part.

I guess I'll begin with the easiest to explain. Last Thursday while working out I was finishing my final set (of three) whatevers on the leg press (I think that's what it's called). It was brutal because I was at the end of my limit and I was under the impression I could let go and so I released. My trainer said, 'Don't let go, push all the way through one last time'. Only catch was I had already really let go, perhaps mostly in my head, but enough to have already lost the strength to hold. He pushed me to finish which is what he's supposed to do (as I don't think he realized I'd let go). While obeying the command I did something to my neck, which is weird as obviously my legs and neck are two landscapes that live far from one another.

Anyways, At first it was just a gentle pull I felt, just uncomfortable. After a day or two it became a searing sharp pain, something felt wrong and maybe out of place. I planned on talking to Dee about it but never got to as our appointments got unusually misplaced all week - I see him tomorrow. My best guess is he'll shoot me for not dealing with it sooner. The searing pain left a day or two ago when I slept on it funny during a nap-let and something went back into place. Now the other side of my neck and the bottom of my head hurt. The discomfort was so bad the other day that I saw spots, luckily that has passed but the sleeplessness hasn't.

The following day I had taken my before bed protein drink (minus milk which is absolutely wrong on every level) and felt so sick after. I spent the night awake and found myself researching protein overload. I don't know if that's what it was, let's just say I threw out the small amount of that brand that was left. I didn't feel right for a couple of days regarding that little issue.

Hmmmmm ... the final body part tragedy of my week happened Monday when I was taking someone I was supporting out and I was making a left on a not so busy street (thank goodness!!) and I decided that I needed to reset my kilometer reading. While I was turning. With my arm through the steering wheel. Just an FYI for everyone reading: that's not a bright idea. In fact, that's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. Overall didn't leave a pleasant feeling or colour on my arm.

There's a brief overview of my physical strife (which I understand in the grand scheme of things compared to others isn't all that bad, but combined with the rest of my state, not a great addition).

On to other struggles...

I hesitate to write about these as I know some of you may not take what I am saying personally or to heart in a way I don't mean it. So please know that I am not directing subliminal messages to anyone out there. I am just speaking honestly about my emotions and thoughts as of late.


*sigh*

The party.

Wow. I can't tell you how many incredibly mixed emotions I've had lately about this 'celebration of life'. So many that I think I've wanted to skip celebrating life and take off on a cruise in the Caribbean. We definitely could have afforded it with the money we are using on the party.

Why mixed emotions? Well, I did not prepare myself at all for the reactions and responses we would get. Here are just a few ...

'We are so excited to come to your party! We'll be there with bells on!'
'Just letting you know that we'll be coming, but only for a couple of hours.' *This one was VERY popular*
'What does 'New chapter in your life' mean in the invitation? Are you pregnant? That's so exciting!!'
'As far as we know we'll be there, right now we don't have anything else going on. Even though an open or closed bar, pay or no pay doesn't matter to us, nor do we dance, I guess that leaves seeing people!!'
'Are Wally and Eva ok? They aren't sick or anything are they?'
'Bill took the night off work. We'll be there!'
'We'll be honest, we don't really dance but we are so excited to come!'
'Sorry, we have my husband's birthday party that night' (even though they don't ever celebrate any birthdays in the history of their lives)
'My date's working, I won't be there.'
'Thank you for planning this! Can't wait to see you!'

And then of course there's the ever popular group of people that negate the RSVP completely. Grrrrrr!


Well those are the various reactions we received. Some people might advise me not to take things personally and some of the comments mentioned above I don't but some I do.

For example, I completely get that it's uncomfortable to come out to something where you will not know a single soul. My thoughts 'Take a chance on meeting new friends'. But it doesn't offend me when people choose not to.

Those that create opportunities to miss my celebration actually ease my mind. A few less people to worry about understanding me, obviously they don't really get it if they are going to make believe parties over my fun one.

The responses that are difficult to swallow are ones that make complete sense in my head but not in my heart.

Like those people that I thought would 'get it', the urgency I mean, of why I'm doing this, but seem to disregard it as just another event.

Or just people's current life situation that make it difficult and even impossible to physically come out - that's just life, but not the part of it I enjoy (nor do they).

The final one I am reluctant to say but is probably the most challenging.

Realizing you are not on the main ingredient list anymore.

One of my dearest friends lives far away and let's be honest, going out of your way to go to a party is anything but practical. I've had the privilege of having this friend go completely out of her way planning to surprise me at my party. Overcoming distance, financing and timing to come celebrate life with me and no doubt show how much she really cares about my life and who I am to her.

However, in the end the 'real life' factor dashed our fairytale hopes.

Another for real, life changing, very important gathering came up at the same time as my celebration, forcing my friend to choose. I'm not being sarcastic either, I have no doubt in my mind that the event that came up is an essential one for her to be at. It includes several integral people in her life that have been a family to her for the past few years when she hasn't had family close by. They are leaving and this is her only real chance to say goodbye. How could I ever expect her to miss that? I couldn't and wouldn't want her to.

Knowing you are loved, understood and honestly cared about but having to accept the reality that you are no longer a primary ingredient in a person's practical life is tough. You're 'optional' instead of an essential. In no way am I saying I've been made to feel 'optional', I'll be the first to say that 'optional' ingredients are the best. They add great flavour and accent the main dish.

It's more of a wake up call thing. It's being faced the the reality that you aren't there in a practical everyday sense in that person's life and if we are honest those are the people we cling to life with. Those are the ones we exchange everyday needs with. Those are the ones who essentially give us the air we need to breath to get through sometimes.

I know it might be tempting for my friend to think that I feel 'not as important as her other friends' and perhaps I've had moments when my heart tries to convince my head of that (or the other way around, I'm not sure of the geography of these things).

But, this is not so. Instead I choose to be thankful that I get to be chosen for a fairytale thought. I mean she can't fly across the country to surprise her friends next door. And come on, flying sounds more romantic than walking :)

I love my friend and will continue to be thankful that I can compliment her life in a small way.

Everyone needs a little hot fudge in their lives. You know, to make the vanilla taste better!

Walkin' and Talkin'

So today I was out walking with my favouite fiesty lady. I suppored her while I was on my placement for school and only a couple of times since as a relief worker. I love her. You may remember Vivvie.

While we were out on our walk (or in her case - wheelchair) I asked Vivvie if there were things she wished she could do, you know, if she could walk.

I was really waiting for her to give me this great list of things like: dance, do a marathon, become an olympian. Physical stuff that would require great dedication.

Her answer suprised me.

Vivvie doesn't speak. She can make noise and stuff but has no real control over her tongue really, so mostly she will make sounds and do lots of hand gestures. It can be VERY challenging to understand her but once you get it, it's worth it.

Vivvie began by saying one of the things she would do is go shopping for new clothes all by herself. She also mentioned just being able to call up her friends and family on the phone herself and chat with them. She stopped her chair and then pointed to a house. She also said she would buy her own home.

I was amazed at her answers. So simple, so practical, so normal.

During my on going quest for living life as full as I possibly can, and doing my best to not take for granted all of the gifts I've been given, I took in Vivvie's answers hoping that in some way I could fulfill the things she mentioned. However, I realized after she gave me her answers I can not live out her dreams, because they are her's and her's alone. She has simple hopes and desires.

After our conversation I learned that you are not responsible for living out anyone else's dreams, only your own. Everyone's dreams and goals are diffeent and that is ok. In fact that is the way it is supposed to be.

If Vivvie had not been hit by a car she would likely have fulfilled many of her 'now' dreams but never realized it because these simple gifts we are given to walk and talk are almost always taken for granted. Vivvie would likely possess other aspirations and hopes.

After I left Vivvie I really thought about her 'everyday' wishes and was saddened. She also mentioned travelling she'd like to do, maybe Vegas. I could totally see her gambling in Vegas. I hope someday she does.

I hope you fulfill your dreams. I hope you take time to find our what they are. Most people don't even get that far.

I hope you realize the dreams that you've already realized.

I'm in the middle of continuing to learn about mine. I find them ever changing and on going. Life seems to be such a great evolution of growth. It can be very frustrating at times and very amazing at others.

I just neve seem to be satisfied, and I think I'm glad.

I thought I already learned this lesson!

I really want to say something brilliant right now. I want to, you know, discover something great in the deep recesses of my mind and share it with the world and have people wake up and be like 'Wow! You are a genius!'

Unfortunately I'm going through a dry spell and it's doubtful that will happen.

Instead I'll give you what I've got.

The other day Dee, my trainer, asked me what I was going to do this week other than work.

*silence*

I said 'Uh, nothing. I don't really have any hobbies.'

I came home thinking 'Girl, you need a life.'

I can't believe how much the distractions of life can take completely over if you let them and give you nothing but stress and boredom in return.

I've been going overboard with work since I took that contract in September. And unfortunately I haven't returned to my former discovering self.

If I were to list the things I've learned since the new year, they'd be few and far between. That's not to say I haven't learned anything, just that I haven't been having the fun I had found last summer in doing so.

I do find it amazing that you can be given a certain lesson in life and really start 'getting it' then end up reverting to your old ways when challenged to practice it in a new setting.

A few years ago when I had my own business and was completely self employed, I had to learn the lesson of trust. Trusting that I couldn't do it all until I let go. I wasn't in control. I had gotten myself overworked, stressed out and full of fear wondering where my next job would come from and how we were going to pay our bills.

After much learning and slowly letting go of my fears, and realizing that I just needed to allow myself not to worry but rather to trust I did. I took a lot of mental work at first, but I did it. I put my own needs before worrying about money. I decided that my need for a break was just as important (if not more so) than my need for money to pay the hydro bill.

By beginning to say no when I knew I needed a break I began exercising a great muscle. I'll call it that 'trust your instinct' muscle. This was and probably is the best muscle I could possibly learn how to use. The cool part was, the more I exercised ti the better I got at trusting and the less I had to worry about my bills because the work always came at the right time, fulfilling the right need. It was very cool.

Now that I'm re learning that same old lesson in my life, a few years later, I am going to learn how to use it again.

I'm shocked as to how quickly we can forget how to use something once we stop.

It makes me wonder if we stop needing to use that muscle or if we use it without thinking in a natural healthy way. Or did we just get distracted with other things and forget all about the lesson we learned and are back to our old unhealthy ways.

Who knows?

My best guess is the latter one. It's incredible how easy it is to fall into our old ways of thinking and living when we stop being conscious of ourselves and what we are doing.

Now the fun part begins.

The exercise. The discipline. The determination. The work.

Perhaps another 40 Day Journey is in order ...

*sigh*

This will never end, will it?

Pain, pain, pain

I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel.

I'm just trying to remind myself that this will be the result ...



Or. If I'm lucky it'll be this ...



Actually, either way I'll be happy!

Sinking Heart

I just got news yesterday from a friend of mine that made my heart sink all the way down to my feet.

Do you ever get news like that? You know, that just feels like it knocks the wind out of ya.

First of all my friend is not one of those people I'd really ever phone up on the phone, she's someone I go out for lunch with usually around 3 times a year, with her mom. We've known each other pretty much all of our lives but didn't really become 'lunch buddies' until a few years ago when our mutual 'adopted' neighbourly grandmother got ill and passed away. Ever since then we've remained in contact, sort of in her memory.

We do e-mail now and then just to see how the other is doing. Her husband started a career in real estate a few years ago and he sold our house for us. I played the piano at her wedding and I will go to her baby shower. And of course they were/are invited to our party.

I had e-mailed her this past week as it was March Break and that's the regular time that we meet up (as she's a school teacher and my schedule really did go around the school year with my teaching as well). It was last minute so I figured we wouldn't be able to make a date but thought I'd try anyway. The response I received back from her astounded me...

She apologized for not being able to fit in a last minute lunch date as she had already committed to several things on her week off. I completely understood. She then went on to say that she had 4 weeks left of her pregnancy and that things weren't great at their house.

I went on to read that she had just found out that week that her husband had been having an affair with another woman for the past few months.

This is the point in which my heart plummeted to my toes.

An immediate ache came to my chest and I gasped. Muttered a few words of disbelief and just stared at the words on the screen.

I have not e-mailed her back as I could tell by how she typed her e-mail she was in shock. It was very 'matter of fact' and obviously very fresh. Besides what are the perfect words for someone who is 8 months pregnant and just found out her husband had an affair?

Oh yes and there's one more fact I forgot to add: My friend and her husband had a miscarriage three years ago soon after trying to start a family. This was her first pregnancy so as you can imagine it ignited many fears within her about being able to have more children. It then took another 2 1/2 years before she was able to get pregnant again with the baby she is now carrying.

Though every time I hear about a situation like this I tell myself 'wow! you never know!' that feeling soon fades and is replaced by feelings of security and immunity to the dreaded 'we're separated' plague that seems to rear it's ugly head.

I have to admit that this hit me even harder yesterday as Wally and I have been having a particularly challenging time with one another lately. I'd be lying if I denied that I have dreamed now and then about what it would be like to be able to pursue life single.

It's so easy to get carried away in whatever you are doing or chasing. For me a new job, planning a party, and trying to stay on top of life at home. For Wally getting used to a new job as well, doing a website every spare second to pay for this party, and adapting to his ever changing wife you wants to experience every little thing that pops up in life and who rarely wants to wait for him to catch up.

Last night as we laid in bed and briefly discussed my friend's heartbreaking dilemma (to put it lightly). I asked Wally if he ever worried that we would break up. Now I have to be honest again. We discuss this every now and then at a very honest level. We are not the types to deny our humanity in the name of our faith and say things like 'this will never happen to us'. We believe the moment you put yourself in a place (at least in your mind) of being better than everyone else, or immune to human problems you are most susceptible.

I was assuming he would say 'Yes I worry about it sometimes ...' and I thought he may bring up my ever on going need to run around to and fro. Then he would finish with 'But I know we keep working on things and talk to eachother and as long as we do that we'll be fine.'

Instead his response was 'Yes. All of the time.' He may have even had an 'everyday' in there because the way he said it would've knocked me down had I not already been laying in bed.

I was shocked and of course grilled him a bit but I could not change his answer nor did he care to defend himself. This was followed by silence that told me he did not want to talk further about it - flags of the red persuasion were flying high.

This whole thing reminds me of how incredibly fragile marriage is and how something that once seemed strong and invincible can grow frail quickly when you are not paying attention.

It seems like just when life seems to be going ok something pops up to remind you that great things don't happen on their own. When you see a couple that's been married for 50 years they weren't immune to life's challenges, they grew through them. It does not mean they did not face infidelity, separation perhaps at some point, misunderstanding, broken hearts, grief, broken dreams, financial hardship or illness. It means they worked through them one by one not denying they existed but rather looking at them and being real about what they were feeling.

I find the hardest thing about life and about marriage is that no matter what you've gone through, unless you are dead, the lessons you've learned will be tested again and sometimes again. You are never done.

That's so frustrating especially if you only 'barely passed' the last test on it.

Right now Wally and I have some work to do. Some understanding that needs to happen. Because though we may change from the people we once were and even in some aspects what we believe. I know beyond a doubt that whether I stay with him or leave I will not find a better mate for me at this time in my life. Not because he's the perfect 'one' for me, I'm not sure I believe in that. But because I believe he's the best person in the world right now that can carve me into the best me right now. I know that if I chose to leave him for someone or something else I'd never be able to be the best me there was.

Every one is different and I respect that. If I were in my friend's position I have no idea what I would do. I pray that I'm never in that place but realize that no one is immune from their humanity or that of those around them.

Pray for my friend.

Pray for me.

Pray for my Wally.

You don't need to be on the brink of divorce or tragedy to ask for a little help.

Quickie

Today I had a day off. These no longer happen very often. Generally I work 6 days in a row, often three of them being 10-13 hour days and the others a bit shorter, but I have to say the shorter ones don't generally seem to give me any extra time.

I've shared my challenges with my schedule lately so I won't go into it now but to say I lazed about today without really gaining rest.

At 3:30pm I finally found myself out and about picking up groceries so Wally and I could get to the gym tomorrow before going out of town to look for a car before me going into work.

I had a good conversation with Dee yesterday about nutrition and foods we should be eating. Nothing he told me was new but for some reason I am ready to try new things like egg whites from a box, and soy milk. All the things we could never afford before really.

So I decided today when grocery shopping I'd be perfectly good and get 'clean' foods only and try and come home and prep everything the best I could. I did well at the grocery store, however I did not get inspired to 'prep' until around 9pm when I was completely exhausted.

Anyways, I had gone online earlier in the day and found a vegetarian chili recipe to try and then I organized and cleaned out our freezers. Boy did that feel good! That alone made me feel clean.

I learned I had stashed away too much bacon in the freezer. A pound of it frozen in one piece and another pound that I had frozen in sections of two portions each. Needless to say, bacon's not on the new menu, at least not as a staple item (like it used to be). Also found 3 separated pounds of ground beef. Another ting we're trying to move away from (as a staple anyway).

I think I will find ways to incorporate these things in meals when or if we ever have company over or go to a potluck sometime. Normally I wouldn't care and both Wally and I would go about eating the same old things but this time I really want to feel what it's like to eat as great as we can. And right now we can so why not.

Once I was done that I realized we really did not need 2 freezers but oh well right? I took out a few items that had been in there too long. Some I threw out, some I decided to cook up and then separate to make for easy healthy meals later, as we don't often get to eat supper together anymore.

*sigh*

The good kind of sighs, like that of breathing in fresh air. That's how I feel. Like I have opened a window of a new life and right now I have a choice as to whether or not I would like to bask in it, get out of the house and experience it along with the world it offers, or shut the window.

Right now I'm basking.

I'm still amazed at how little the pull towards crappy food is. Today at Walmart I barely noticed the Easter candy and when Wally mentioned going out for dinner I felt it more of a burden than a gift (as we wouldn't have been going to a four start restaurant that would serve healthy food).

This is all new to me and I hope it only gets stronger. I certainly don't plan on becoming a food snob, nor do I plan to become obsessed with it. I have just always desired to become the best I could be in this area, but so far it's only been a dream. I still can't believe I have a personal trainer - THAT'S A MAN!!!

There's so much more I could say but I am completely exhausted and truly just wanting a week long hiatus from work but life continues tomorrow....

Whoever's with me, thank you for stickin' around. I like knowing someone is listening ... or reading. Makes me feel ... not so alone :)