Today I began my day as I did yesterday. Once my shower was over I snuck a towel or two into my new found 'closet' and enjoyed the solace. I even did a little prayin' - out loud like. It's been a while since I've done that, it was ... alright.
My potential priest friend said that even a minute with God would be a great start. I decided I would allow myself whatever felt right.
In my closet a few minutes felt right. And good.
I went about my day heading to work for most of the day time, then coming home for a couple of hours between work again.
I disciplined myself to take the dogs out right away, then threw the laundry in the washer in the laundry room without waiting. I had a brief snack then collected my wet clothes to hang in our apartment to dry.
I finally sat down and checked my e-mail, all four of my addresses. Why do I have four addresses? I quickly learned that I had some issue at work to face. A mistake that I made - well sort of.
Not to pass the buck or anything but the mistake really wasn't mine. I had not signed off on giving a med (it wasn't really a med, it was gravol. But in this field everything is a med and requires proper documentation ... unless there's a hitch, which in this case there was). The reason I hadn't signed off was because I was told I didn't have to - I had even specifically asked. Anyways, in the end I should have and I didn't leaving me with 4 med errors. There's more background to this but it's boring and I feel like I have just done enough of boring so I won't bore any longer. Bottom line is: I was bummed.
I then had a few moments of wanting nothing more than to eat something comforting. As I briefly considered it I quickly thought of my new space and how peaceful it was.
It was then that I decided to make a cup of vanilla rooibus tea to take with me to my spot. I took a cloth and cleaned out the tub, got an old mini duvet, my Bible and journal. I threw the duvet in the dry tub, followed by my bath pillow. I then stepped into my make shift sanctuary and got comfortable. And of course ... closed the curtain.
As I sat there I looked around and couldn't help but wonder if I was going mad (crazy like). Who in their right mind sits in their empty bath tub with a blanket, books, and tea to relax? To connect. With God no less.
Well I decided that because it felt right, I did. So ... I did.
I instantly felt the pressures of my world fade away. I took a moment just to breathe. Then a few to just read some of Matthew, which just talks about Jesus' life and stuff. It wasn't magical but it was something. I pondered what I read a little, wondered things. I jumped over to Proverbs for a second and laughed a little at how some were worded. You see I was reading what a friend of mine refers to as the 'Fisher Price' Bible - The Message. It's just a leisurely read, that's what I needed.
I took a few moments to write in my journal. Just a few points about things I wanted to remember in prayer, then a few people I wanted to remember to think about.
At one point while in the tub I began to smell something. Kind of like smelly feet. I thought 'Hmmmm, if those are mine I'm definitely int he right place.' I awkwardly tried to sniff my feet but being in a tiny tub the positioning didn't lend itself to me coming to a concrete conclusion. Instead I touched my sock then quickly touched my fingers to my nose. Smelled ok to me.
I guess the smell was going to remain mystery.
A few moments later, after I'd drank my tea and contemplated life (and where the smell may have been coming from), I heard someone shut their water off from a different apartment. And for some reason it began to rain on my peaceful parade ... literally.
A steady stream of water escaped the tub's faucet and my sock and duvet got well hydrated.
I determined that my parade would be acceptable wet.
Well I spent around 25-30 minutes this afternoon in my 'prayer closet'. Overall it was ... wonderful. I went about the rest of my day feeling at peace.
Anyways, other than the meeting I attended late this afternoon that was my day. (A meeting in which my manager asked the team I work with for a particular house of young ladies we support, 'Has anyone ever felt fear for their safety with so and so'. At which point every one in the room put up their hand. I wonder sometimes what I've gotten myself into...)
I came home and Wally had made supper. At which time I cut into my chicken and yelped 'It's pink int he middle!!!' Only to remember that it was chicken cordon blue (from a box) which, of course, had ham in the middle - which indeed is supposed to be pink.
There's the story of my slightly melancholy day and my time in my closet.
Bath tubs, not just for bubbles anymore.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Unleashed
Yesterday Wally had an idea. He thought we should try walking our two little s on separate leashes. You know, to see what they would do.
You see, as I've mentioned before my little Sweet (my baby) is full of life and always on the move. This is often not conducive to Sour getting much business done, due to the constant motion Sweet is in.
So we did it.
I don't think we had any idea what we would be in for either. I took Sweet, Wally took Sour and let's just say there was beyond a distinct difference in how our two little terrors approached their morning constitutional.
Sweet immediately plunged forward dragging me with all of his might ahead of Wally and Sour. I soon got the impression that there would be no walking, only running and pulling. At one point I told Wally I thought I'd better jog a bit with Sweet, to wear him out. So we did.
The only one that got worn out was me. As we returned to Sour and Wally (who by the way were both carefully, quietly and gently walking down the street. No pulling, no running, no frolicking in the snow or eating it. Just a leisurely little stride.
I was immediately jealous of Wally and his 'angel' of a dog. by the time we were at the end or our new walking adventure three of the four of us were worn out and the other had just turned his energy down a hair.
Wally and I have often joked about our two dogs being perfect representations of us. Sour being timid, careful, thoughtful and slow to do try things. Not unlike Wally. Then Sweet, who has boundless energy, full of love, doesn't often look like he has a thought in his head (I know he's a dog but still ... Wally teases that he thought Sweet's thoughts would sound like a gentle breeze being blown by the mouth of an empty cave).
Changing directions for a minute ...
Today I had the day off. We are still getting used to schedules and life without school and assignments (as I've already mentioned). We have recently found ourselves rather bored and without things to do or people to see. Today was no different.
It started out with some computer glitch, which around here means turmoil. I often just like to hide when that happens. For some reason whenever Wally is even remotely frustrated I turn into an ostrich.
Today my retreat was the shower - a great place to think. And I did. I thought of how nice it wold be to be unleashed. Unleashed from another person who I have committed myself to until my death (or his). Unleashed to explore the world and everything in it. Unleashed to come and go in any direction without question or worry. Unleashed to do things however I want, when ever I want, with whomever I want. Simply Unleashed.
During my twenty minute shower, I put the water from warm to scalding hot, to cool then back to tolerable, I continued to think.
My dogs when apart are accelerated versions of themselves. This is really only noticed on their walks. I've read that walking is, for a dog, their purpose - their joy. For the past year and a half our dogs, when walked, have been put on a lead which causes them to HAVE to work together and they HAVE to respect (to some degree) the limits of the other dog or ... someone will get very hurt.
Not to sound like over zealous dog lover, or a cheese bag, but I have to make the obvious comparison.
Wally and I have committed to one another. We have put on our own 'lead'. But doing so we keep one another 'in line' per se. When I think of what I would be like without Wally I think immediately of my little Sweet. Uninhibited, carefree and to some degree reckless. When I think of Wally and his personality thoughts of Sour jump into my head. Slow to try something new, careful, gets close to people on his own terms, especially in his own space.
However the interesting thing is that when Sweet and Sour (and Wally and I) are connected to each other the walk seems so much easier. The limits are respected (most of the time), the flow is natural and neither seems to really have issues with getting off track.
As I spent time thinking in the shower I sat down and enjoyed the water falling on me as I sat in the tub relaxing. I finally realized I had to shut the water off before the neighbour wondered what was going on.
I know that generally when you finish a shower you open the curtain grab your towel and it's over. today I wasn't exactly ready to go back out and face my leash (I'm not trying to sound derogatory, it's how I felt today).
So I decided I would stay in my little shower closet.
After a few seconds though I realized (when the ice cold air found it's way in) that it may not remain comfortable for long - but I still wasn't ready to go. I snuck my hand out the side of the curtain and grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. I was still cold so I squeaked my arm back out to venture for Wally's towel. I put it on my legs and tucked in around them. Soon my head got cold. Back out my arm went and discovered the towel I would dry my hair off with. I draped it over my head like I was being Mary in a Nativity play.
Then, I sat there.
And sat some more.
I enjoyed the cocoon that I created and decided that this may indeed become my new prayer closet. It was so peaceful and warm.
Finally, after about 30 minutes, Wally began to look for me and I heard him call my name. He was in the bedroom now saying "Eva? Eva, where are you?"
I quietly said "I'm here" from my cocoon. Praying that whatever the glitch was it was figured out.
High above my head the curtain opened and at that point I had really wished I had my glasses on.
Wally just looked at me and began to giggle. "What are you doing in here?" He knelt down and held my gaze.
"Just sitting" I said.
We had a good chuckle together. I shared my excitement over the discovery of my new 'spiritual space' and then we laughed some more about how ridiculous I looked. I laughed until I had tears and couldn't breathe. It felt good.
I then felt ready to climb out of my refuge and encounter the rest of my day. And decided something...
I may need to purchase a Shamwow. For my make shift 'prayer closet'.
Leashes aren't all bad by the way. In fact I think mine keeps me from getting hit by a car.
You see, as I've mentioned before my little Sweet (my baby) is full of life and always on the move. This is often not conducive to Sour getting much business done, due to the constant motion Sweet is in.
So we did it.
I don't think we had any idea what we would be in for either. I took Sweet, Wally took Sour and let's just say there was beyond a distinct difference in how our two little terrors approached their morning constitutional.
Sweet immediately plunged forward dragging me with all of his might ahead of Wally and Sour. I soon got the impression that there would be no walking, only running and pulling. At one point I told Wally I thought I'd better jog a bit with Sweet, to wear him out. So we did.
The only one that got worn out was me. As we returned to Sour and Wally (who by the way were both carefully, quietly and gently walking down the street. No pulling, no running, no frolicking in the snow or eating it. Just a leisurely little stride.
I was immediately jealous of Wally and his 'angel' of a dog. by the time we were at the end or our new walking adventure three of the four of us were worn out and the other had just turned his energy down a hair.
Wally and I have often joked about our two dogs being perfect representations of us. Sour being timid, careful, thoughtful and slow to do try things. Not unlike Wally. Then Sweet, who has boundless energy, full of love, doesn't often look like he has a thought in his head (I know he's a dog but still ... Wally teases that he thought Sweet's thoughts would sound like a gentle breeze being blown by the mouth of an empty cave).
Changing directions for a minute ...
Today I had the day off. We are still getting used to schedules and life without school and assignments (as I've already mentioned). We have recently found ourselves rather bored and without things to do or people to see. Today was no different.
It started out with some computer glitch, which around here means turmoil. I often just like to hide when that happens. For some reason whenever Wally is even remotely frustrated I turn into an ostrich.
Today my retreat was the shower - a great place to think. And I did. I thought of how nice it wold be to be unleashed. Unleashed from another person who I have committed myself to until my death (or his). Unleashed to explore the world and everything in it. Unleashed to come and go in any direction without question or worry. Unleashed to do things however I want, when ever I want, with whomever I want. Simply Unleashed.
During my twenty minute shower, I put the water from warm to scalding hot, to cool then back to tolerable, I continued to think.
My dogs when apart are accelerated versions of themselves. This is really only noticed on their walks. I've read that walking is, for a dog, their purpose - their joy. For the past year and a half our dogs, when walked, have been put on a lead which causes them to HAVE to work together and they HAVE to respect (to some degree) the limits of the other dog or ... someone will get very hurt.
Not to sound like over zealous dog lover, or a cheese bag, but I have to make the obvious comparison.
Wally and I have committed to one another. We have put on our own 'lead'. But doing so we keep one another 'in line' per se. When I think of what I would be like without Wally I think immediately of my little Sweet. Uninhibited, carefree and to some degree reckless. When I think of Wally and his personality thoughts of Sour jump into my head. Slow to try something new, careful, gets close to people on his own terms, especially in his own space.
However the interesting thing is that when Sweet and Sour (and Wally and I) are connected to each other the walk seems so much easier. The limits are respected (most of the time), the flow is natural and neither seems to really have issues with getting off track.
As I spent time thinking in the shower I sat down and enjoyed the water falling on me as I sat in the tub relaxing. I finally realized I had to shut the water off before the neighbour wondered what was going on.
I know that generally when you finish a shower you open the curtain grab your towel and it's over. today I wasn't exactly ready to go back out and face my leash (I'm not trying to sound derogatory, it's how I felt today).
So I decided I would stay in my little shower closet.
After a few seconds though I realized (when the ice cold air found it's way in) that it may not remain comfortable for long - but I still wasn't ready to go. I snuck my hand out the side of the curtain and grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. I was still cold so I squeaked my arm back out to venture for Wally's towel. I put it on my legs and tucked in around them. Soon my head got cold. Back out my arm went and discovered the towel I would dry my hair off with. I draped it over my head like I was being Mary in a Nativity play.
Then, I sat there.
And sat some more.
I enjoyed the cocoon that I created and decided that this may indeed become my new prayer closet. It was so peaceful and warm.
Finally, after about 30 minutes, Wally began to look for me and I heard him call my name. He was in the bedroom now saying "Eva? Eva, where are you?"
I quietly said "I'm here" from my cocoon. Praying that whatever the glitch was it was figured out.
High above my head the curtain opened and at that point I had really wished I had my glasses on.
Wally just looked at me and began to giggle. "What are you doing in here?" He knelt down and held my gaze.
"Just sitting" I said.
We had a good chuckle together. I shared my excitement over the discovery of my new 'spiritual space' and then we laughed some more about how ridiculous I looked. I laughed until I had tears and couldn't breathe. It felt good.
I then felt ready to climb out of my refuge and encounter the rest of my day. And decided something...
I may need to purchase a Shamwow. For my make shift 'prayer closet'.
Leashes aren't all bad by the way. In fact I think mine keeps me from getting hit by a car.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
My day ... simplified
Woke up.
Got distracted doing chores, finished washing the dishes before even taking the dogs out.
Did an interesting experiment while taking the dogs out (more on that later - of course who knows if I'm telling the truth as I tend to lie about such things).
Once inside continued to get distracted from every intended activity with other activities. Vacuumed the place.
Watched a show with Wally that he downloaded.
Dusted while watching a show Wally downloaded for me.
Finally got into the shower at 11:30am and got distracted while showering with scrubbing the grout between the tiles. Quickly realized I was wrinkled like a prune and I needed to stop.
Tried to finish getting ready but got distracted while in the bathroom and ended up cleaning the toilet, tub, shower and sink before actually completing my head preparation for the day (you know, hair and make up).
Went out with Wally to fulfill the reason for me working a 10 hour night awake shift earlier in the weak - the adoption of a Magic Bullet. During which time Wally was embarrassed to walk through the store with it in our cart and referred to ourselves as trailer trash for buying it. Clearly he didn't agree with my choice. Clearly I didn't care that he didn't agree.
Got home and ate 3 M & M cookies we bought at Wal-mart.
Checked my e-mail and did some work stuff.
Left to do some book research at the Christian book store.
Realized the Christian book store doesn't believe Catholics are Christians, but did find a little book on Lent and one on liturgical practices. Bought them both.
Realized I ran out of time and went straight to work.
Once at work had all 20 of my nails, fingers and toes, painted by one of the girls I support. Well, painted or glued. It was dollar store nail polish that was very thick and stringy, the kind you peel off in gobs, even hours after it's dried. It was a 'french' manicure in pink. It looks ... interesting.
Felt nauseous from the cookies I ate.
Had one moment in the evening when I was glad the knives weren't near the one girl I support. I'm sure if they had been she would've helped one find my heart. Literally speaking.
Got home. Ate a tiny bag of mini eggs. Had regrets, but didn't dwell on them since at this point I am wearing pants with elastic that also stretch.
And here I am.
What to do tomorrow?
Got distracted doing chores, finished washing the dishes before even taking the dogs out.
Did an interesting experiment while taking the dogs out (more on that later - of course who knows if I'm telling the truth as I tend to lie about such things).
Once inside continued to get distracted from every intended activity with other activities. Vacuumed the place.
Watched a show with Wally that he downloaded.
Dusted while watching a show Wally downloaded for me.
Finally got into the shower at 11:30am and got distracted while showering with scrubbing the grout between the tiles. Quickly realized I was wrinkled like a prune and I needed to stop.
Tried to finish getting ready but got distracted while in the bathroom and ended up cleaning the toilet, tub, shower and sink before actually completing my head preparation for the day (you know, hair and make up).
Went out with Wally to fulfill the reason for me working a 10 hour night awake shift earlier in the weak - the adoption of a Magic Bullet. During which time Wally was embarrassed to walk through the store with it in our cart and referred to ourselves as trailer trash for buying it. Clearly he didn't agree with my choice. Clearly I didn't care that he didn't agree.
Got home and ate 3 M & M cookies we bought at Wal-mart.
Checked my e-mail and did some work stuff.
Left to do some book research at the Christian book store.
Realized the Christian book store doesn't believe Catholics are Christians, but did find a little book on Lent and one on liturgical practices. Bought them both.
Realized I ran out of time and went straight to work.
Once at work had all 20 of my nails, fingers and toes, painted by one of the girls I support. Well, painted or glued. It was dollar store nail polish that was very thick and stringy, the kind you peel off in gobs, even hours after it's dried. It was a 'french' manicure in pink. It looks ... interesting.
Felt nauseous from the cookies I ate.
Had one moment in the evening when I was glad the knives weren't near the one girl I support. I'm sure if they had been she would've helped one find my heart. Literally speaking.
Got home. Ate a tiny bag of mini eggs. Had regrets, but didn't dwell on them since at this point I am wearing pants with elastic that also stretch.
And here I am.
What to do tomorrow?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Re-establishing
That's what I feel like I'm trying to do.
In so many ways. In the realm of work - starting a new career (or field of work). In life, figuring out what to do next in this 'stage' of things. In my marriage, getting used to a new 'normal' with our new jobs, new potential church (after not being a part for one years). In my continuing pursuit for health as I ... mature :)
I honestly had no idea that coming out of school would be such an adjustment. Really, who knew?
Today I woke up and realized I actually would get most of the day time to myself before heading off to work at 4pm. I was excited. That soon fizzled out after I had gotten caught up going through papers and files trying to 'organize' myself but then quickly realizing (as I was running the water for my shower) that they were shutting off the hot water at 9am. It was 9:30am. Rats!
Of course this happened after I also realized that the stew I had eaten for super last night was indeed the culprit for Wally's violently ill spell earlier in the week. (The one in which he called me at 5am at work while I was doing a 10 hour night awake shift, telling me I had to come home that instant to take him to the hospital. Clearly I could not just leave 3 men who could not be left unsupervised to do this at the drop of a hat. I called tele-health instead, waited on hold for 15 minutes and learned no more than I knew before).
I wasn't ill like Wally because as I always say "I have guts of steel". (Although he lost like 7 1/2 pounds, sometimes I wish I weren't so steely).
I then had to 'rinse' my head in cold water in the kitchen sink, not fun however as I write this a wee bit of perspective makes it's way into my mind and reminds me that I'm lucky that hot water is my norm).
There was something else but I can't remember so I'll move on...
I sat down and watched the Osbornes (Ozzy, Sharon and the kids) on tv and remembered how much I loved them. Yes it's true ... and odd.
Wally and I started watching their show years ago when it was on and initially I was completely offended. Necessity being the mother of invention though (we had no cable and were at a point in our lives where Christian stuff was smothering us while our loved ones kept dying off). Leaving us to make company with an unlikely match.
Anyways seeing them today reminded me of hope for change and how particularly attractive people are when they are completely honest about themselves, especially if they can laugh too.
After Ellen was over I treated myself to a trip to Chapters to peruse the Religion section in hopes of finding a book recommended to me by my potential priest friend. He is someone that I banter with back and forth every so often on facebook and rather enjoy interesting conversation with. He puts up with my many questions about his conversion to the Catholic faith (from Protestantism), while still participating in a Protestant church.
Anyhoo, I looked to no avail and came to the conclusion I should have ordered it in the first place online. While I was there though I met several potential friends.
I got to know many very briefly but to be honest the cost of taking them all home was much too high. I ended up leaving with nothing in my hand but the thought that they would be there again and that the library holds many potential companions for no cost at all.
The topic of conversation with my friend as of late have been questions I've had about the expected 'quiet' or 'devotional' time we Christians are to have. This I admittedly used to be completely relationally religious about. I was a 'star' pupil and could teach anyone the benefits and necessities of completing a daily routine of worship, prayer and study.
I was so engrossed in my routine that when I met Wally and got married I could not seem to figure out how to incorporate my personal 'quiet time' with that of another in a married context. It overwhelmed me and guilted me for years. Until the time came when all practices 'Christian' seemed empty and meaningless, because the majority of those around us seemed that way.
By no means did we abandon our faith, in fact quite the opposite. But we struggled to find what our changing views were supposed to look like in a very stationary circle of Christ followers. Thus leaving us to abandon our rituals and routines completely.
Now that I am beginning once again to search out what my daily time with my Creator (I'm not trying to sound New Agey, just get sick of using 'God' all of the time)looks like. I thought I would ask my devote friend, who is experienced in different (obviously quite different) practices than my own.
Through the past few years of change I have truly begun to appreciate the diversity of others' thoughts and views on things. I have learned to be able to take time to hear them and get something out of their perspectives, something I never knew how to do before. I used to hear the word New Age and shut someone out. I heard Catholic and would have the urge to pray for their salvation. Now I don't. I don't feel the need to. I instead feel the need to listen and learn. They have different experiences in life than I. Things I can learn from.
So now as I go back to the roots of my faith and decide to open myself up to finding out more about a different angle to it I feel the need to explore.
I would like to rediscover what it is like to love God again. (Not that I haven't' been loving Him now, but perhaps being more aware of new ways I can love Him). I want to remember what it's like to feel connected to Him.
I believe it will be interesting and hopefully eye opening. Christianity is not supposed to be a one time thing. It's not supposed to be an event where it happens and your in - at least not in my opinion.
I'm not saying you 'earn' your way to heaven or anything, but I think it is an ongoing journey of growth and refinement as we open ourselves up to be shaped by God.
My hope is to be refreshed and reintroduced to the beautiful faith that has grounded me and provided for me through out this crazy life. I am so thankful for the loving God I serve.
He is ... my Papa.
In so many ways. In the realm of work - starting a new career (or field of work). In life, figuring out what to do next in this 'stage' of things. In my marriage, getting used to a new 'normal' with our new jobs, new potential church (after not being a part for one years). In my continuing pursuit for health as I ... mature :)
I honestly had no idea that coming out of school would be such an adjustment. Really, who knew?
Today I woke up and realized I actually would get most of the day time to myself before heading off to work at 4pm. I was excited. That soon fizzled out after I had gotten caught up going through papers and files trying to 'organize' myself but then quickly realizing (as I was running the water for my shower) that they were shutting off the hot water at 9am. It was 9:30am. Rats!
Of course this happened after I also realized that the stew I had eaten for super last night was indeed the culprit for Wally's violently ill spell earlier in the week. (The one in which he called me at 5am at work while I was doing a 10 hour night awake shift, telling me I had to come home that instant to take him to the hospital. Clearly I could not just leave 3 men who could not be left unsupervised to do this at the drop of a hat. I called tele-health instead, waited on hold for 15 minutes and learned no more than I knew before).
I wasn't ill like Wally because as I always say "I have guts of steel". (Although he lost like 7 1/2 pounds, sometimes I wish I weren't so steely).
I then had to 'rinse' my head in cold water in the kitchen sink, not fun however as I write this a wee bit of perspective makes it's way into my mind and reminds me that I'm lucky that hot water is my norm).
There was something else but I can't remember so I'll move on...
I sat down and watched the Osbornes (Ozzy, Sharon and the kids) on tv and remembered how much I loved them. Yes it's true ... and odd.
Wally and I started watching their show years ago when it was on and initially I was completely offended. Necessity being the mother of invention though (we had no cable and were at a point in our lives where Christian stuff was smothering us while our loved ones kept dying off). Leaving us to make company with an unlikely match.
Anyways seeing them today reminded me of hope for change and how particularly attractive people are when they are completely honest about themselves, especially if they can laugh too.
After Ellen was over I treated myself to a trip to Chapters to peruse the Religion section in hopes of finding a book recommended to me by my potential priest friend. He is someone that I banter with back and forth every so often on facebook and rather enjoy interesting conversation with. He puts up with my many questions about his conversion to the Catholic faith (from Protestantism), while still participating in a Protestant church.
Anyhoo, I looked to no avail and came to the conclusion I should have ordered it in the first place online. While I was there though I met several potential friends.
I got to know many very briefly but to be honest the cost of taking them all home was much too high. I ended up leaving with nothing in my hand but the thought that they would be there again and that the library holds many potential companions for no cost at all.
The topic of conversation with my friend as of late have been questions I've had about the expected 'quiet' or 'devotional' time we Christians are to have. This I admittedly used to be completely relationally religious about. I was a 'star' pupil and could teach anyone the benefits and necessities of completing a daily routine of worship, prayer and study.
I was so engrossed in my routine that when I met Wally and got married I could not seem to figure out how to incorporate my personal 'quiet time' with that of another in a married context. It overwhelmed me and guilted me for years. Until the time came when all practices 'Christian' seemed empty and meaningless, because the majority of those around us seemed that way.
By no means did we abandon our faith, in fact quite the opposite. But we struggled to find what our changing views were supposed to look like in a very stationary circle of Christ followers. Thus leaving us to abandon our rituals and routines completely.
Now that I am beginning once again to search out what my daily time with my Creator (I'm not trying to sound New Agey, just get sick of using 'God' all of the time)looks like. I thought I would ask my devote friend, who is experienced in different (obviously quite different) practices than my own.
Through the past few years of change I have truly begun to appreciate the diversity of others' thoughts and views on things. I have learned to be able to take time to hear them and get something out of their perspectives, something I never knew how to do before. I used to hear the word New Age and shut someone out. I heard Catholic and would have the urge to pray for their salvation. Now I don't. I don't feel the need to. I instead feel the need to listen and learn. They have different experiences in life than I. Things I can learn from.
So now as I go back to the roots of my faith and decide to open myself up to finding out more about a different angle to it I feel the need to explore.
I would like to rediscover what it is like to love God again. (Not that I haven't' been loving Him now, but perhaps being more aware of new ways I can love Him). I want to remember what it's like to feel connected to Him.
I believe it will be interesting and hopefully eye opening. Christianity is not supposed to be a one time thing. It's not supposed to be an event where it happens and your in - at least not in my opinion.
I'm not saying you 'earn' your way to heaven or anything, but I think it is an ongoing journey of growth and refinement as we open ourselves up to be shaped by God.
My hope is to be refreshed and reintroduced to the beautiful faith that has grounded me and provided for me through out this crazy life. I am so thankful for the loving God I serve.
He is ... my Papa.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Super women
Women are super.
At least that's what I think.
They do it all.
Well many of them ... us.
Though I will confess I have said many times that I could never become a lesbian (aside from personal views perhaps) because I also think woman are crazy hormonal messes. All in all though ...they amaze me.
I bring this up as I strive to get back into a full time job as well as a full time household. I want to say first off that I have absolutely no earthly clue how women work full time and have kids. No idea. This by no means is a judgment just a mere wondering.
I shared with you how lately I have been overwhelmed by the 'catch up' around the apartment. Let me tell you, it builds up over a few months. This past week I was determined to try and get some of it done. Of course this was heading into a 53 hour work week.
Astoundingly I have made some real headway and am felling like a different person because of it. Instead of putting off little jobs, I've been tackling them when I've had the chance. I mentally feel much lighter and happier because of it.
However there's another side to the coin. When you get into the routine of HAVING to get the little job done, you often overlook the chance to catch some relaxation you may need.
I have an aunt (who I think could be reading this). Who has struggled with this for years. She's a mom of three grown children, who were born very close in age. She spent years as a home maker and mother raising them, until her husband was ill (he has kidney disease). Then when they were in their 'tween years she had to work outside of the home to help provide. It soon turned into full time and she then bore the weight of the household entirely on her shoulders.
Because her husband was sick she HAD to do it all: raise the children, cook, clean, work full time to provide, entertain company and so much more. In some ways this doesn't sounds all that earth shattering but if you knew how she completed all of these things you'd be astounded.
You see my idea of cooking in those conditions would be sidekicks with some chicken added, or mac 'n cheese with hot dogs. Not her, it was always a healthy well rounded dinner, a spotless home and to church on time.
I know she wouldn't necessarily say she did everything right and perhaps would do things a bit differently next time (she wore herself out). THe point is I think that we, as women, do it. Or at least we try.
I am by no means knocking men, I'm not a feminist either, but I find it very interesting how we as women feel the deep need to 'do it all'. Why?
I only recently witnessed my husband remotely concerned about the floors being vacuumed. I remember when Wally went to school we did everything we could so that he could concentrate entirely on his school work. After 5 or 6 months we quite working even part time at the barn. When I went to school I continued to clean, cook (as much as I could), work part time, do the laundry, do yard work, take out the garbage, deal with the animals and on and on.
Again, I am not saying men are lazy at all (though I'm probably not convincing you at this moment) just that they think so differently than us.
Their primary thoughts on their purpose in life is work, providing.From my experience, when they are focused it's on primarily one thing.
Women have a thousand and one things on the go at any given time.
I really had to learn to step back during my last semester and was amazed that Wally could indeed pick up the slack,in fact he was better at many things than I was.
I think we need to provide more opportunity to men to flex their multi-tasking abilities. We need to let go more and relax (even though I know that sometimes doing the dishes and getting the dusting done seem more relaxing at the time!)
I'm not sure where that all came from, but there you have it. You have my permission to rest!
At least that's what I think.
They do it all.
Well many of them ... us.
Though I will confess I have said many times that I could never become a lesbian (aside from personal views perhaps) because I also think woman are crazy hormonal messes. All in all though ...they amaze me.
I bring this up as I strive to get back into a full time job as well as a full time household. I want to say first off that I have absolutely no earthly clue how women work full time and have kids. No idea. This by no means is a judgment just a mere wondering.
I shared with you how lately I have been overwhelmed by the 'catch up' around the apartment. Let me tell you, it builds up over a few months. This past week I was determined to try and get some of it done. Of course this was heading into a 53 hour work week.
Astoundingly I have made some real headway and am felling like a different person because of it. Instead of putting off little jobs, I've been tackling them when I've had the chance. I mentally feel much lighter and happier because of it.
However there's another side to the coin. When you get into the routine of HAVING to get the little job done, you often overlook the chance to catch some relaxation you may need.
I have an aunt (who I think could be reading this). Who has struggled with this for years. She's a mom of three grown children, who were born very close in age. She spent years as a home maker and mother raising them, until her husband was ill (he has kidney disease). Then when they were in their 'tween years she had to work outside of the home to help provide. It soon turned into full time and she then bore the weight of the household entirely on her shoulders.
Because her husband was sick she HAD to do it all: raise the children, cook, clean, work full time to provide, entertain company and so much more. In some ways this doesn't sounds all that earth shattering but if you knew how she completed all of these things you'd be astounded.
You see my idea of cooking in those conditions would be sidekicks with some chicken added, or mac 'n cheese with hot dogs. Not her, it was always a healthy well rounded dinner, a spotless home and to church on time.
I know she wouldn't necessarily say she did everything right and perhaps would do things a bit differently next time (she wore herself out). THe point is I think that we, as women, do it. Or at least we try.
I am by no means knocking men, I'm not a feminist either, but I find it very interesting how we as women feel the deep need to 'do it all'. Why?
I only recently witnessed my husband remotely concerned about the floors being vacuumed. I remember when Wally went to school we did everything we could so that he could concentrate entirely on his school work. After 5 or 6 months we quite working even part time at the barn. When I went to school I continued to clean, cook (as much as I could), work part time, do the laundry, do yard work, take out the garbage, deal with the animals and on and on.
Again, I am not saying men are lazy at all (though I'm probably not convincing you at this moment) just that they think so differently than us.
Their primary thoughts on their purpose in life is work, providing.From my experience, when they are focused it's on primarily one thing.
Women have a thousand and one things on the go at any given time.
I really had to learn to step back during my last semester and was amazed that Wally could indeed pick up the slack,in fact he was better at many things than I was.
I think we need to provide more opportunity to men to flex their multi-tasking abilities. We need to let go more and relax (even though I know that sometimes doing the dishes and getting the dusting done seem more relaxing at the time!)
I'm not sure where that all came from, but there you have it. You have my permission to rest!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Apologies
So, I'm sorry (sort of) for leaving you hanging. I have actually began the post I promised but it's a big one and has alot in it, so you'll have to be patient.
It's funny. I've definitely noticed with my blogging that it goes in fits and spurts. Right now I'm sort of quiet ... I know that's bizarre. I wonder what it is that triggers a writing spell. I'm not real sure but it seems to be the way it goes. I haven't felt all tat inspired lately - that's a new thing for me.
I think it's sort of because it's only beginning to set in with Wally and I that we are done a certain chapter in our lives.
The last chapter was really all about a risk, all about adventure. It truly was exciting.
Now we are in more of a season (sharp turn there sorry) of reward. At least that's what I feel. We got Wally's first pay cheque the other day and we both sat down on the couch while we opened the pay stub. We just stared at it for a few moments in awe. The numbers were much bigger than we were used to. Especially the 'per hour' ones. We did some mental figuring and were in disbelief that even with just his paycheque we would have enough to fulfill our needs. It was a weird feeling.
Not to mention the fact that a few days later I received my first paycheque. It was the first paycheque I have ever received for a full time job. Before I always got cash or a mitt full of small cheques. This time I got to experience what it was like to say goodbye to nearly a third of it right off the hop. Not as exciting as I thought.
Anyways, now we are trying to get used to this new way of life and trying to maintain our debt free status for as long as possible. We are very fortunate people.
I think it'll take a while to get used to. I would love to know what is around the bend for us, but wouldn't we all. I think now is the time for us to relaly spend some time seeking God in what he wants us ot do for Him. Even in saying that I have know idea what that really means.
I guess I think of it in terms of Wally and I learning together, experiencing growing opportunities together (hopefully Thailand), reaching out to our community by giving our time to help others in practical ways together. Lots of togetherness.
Of course there is also the obvious question of children. The plan was that when school was done for my thirtieth birthday we would begin the steps towards adoption. Since school finished quicker than we noticed we may hold off 6 months to a year to get sed to this new place in our lives. I have a feeling that however our children come it will be as exciting and spontaneous as our last chapter of our lives.
At least I hope so.
Good night.
It's funny. I've definitely noticed with my blogging that it goes in fits and spurts. Right now I'm sort of quiet ... I know that's bizarre. I wonder what it is that triggers a writing spell. I'm not real sure but it seems to be the way it goes. I haven't felt all tat inspired lately - that's a new thing for me.
I think it's sort of because it's only beginning to set in with Wally and I that we are done a certain chapter in our lives.
The last chapter was really all about a risk, all about adventure. It truly was exciting.
Now we are in more of a season (sharp turn there sorry) of reward. At least that's what I feel. We got Wally's first pay cheque the other day and we both sat down on the couch while we opened the pay stub. We just stared at it for a few moments in awe. The numbers were much bigger than we were used to. Especially the 'per hour' ones. We did some mental figuring and were in disbelief that even with just his paycheque we would have enough to fulfill our needs. It was a weird feeling.
Not to mention the fact that a few days later I received my first paycheque. It was the first paycheque I have ever received for a full time job. Before I always got cash or a mitt full of small cheques. This time I got to experience what it was like to say goodbye to nearly a third of it right off the hop. Not as exciting as I thought.
Anyways, now we are trying to get used to this new way of life and trying to maintain our debt free status for as long as possible. We are very fortunate people.
I think it'll take a while to get used to. I would love to know what is around the bend for us, but wouldn't we all. I think now is the time for us to relaly spend some time seeking God in what he wants us ot do for Him. Even in saying that I have know idea what that really means.
I guess I think of it in terms of Wally and I learning together, experiencing growing opportunities together (hopefully Thailand), reaching out to our community by giving our time to help others in practical ways together. Lots of togetherness.
Of course there is also the obvious question of children. The plan was that when school was done for my thirtieth birthday we would begin the steps towards adoption. Since school finished quicker than we noticed we may hold off 6 months to a year to get sed to this new place in our lives. I have a feeling that however our children come it will be as exciting and spontaneous as our last chapter of our lives.
At least I hope so.
Good night.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
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