So, I'm sorry (sort of) for leaving you hanging. I have actually began the post I promised but it's a big one and has alot in it, so you'll have to be patient.
It's funny. I've definitely noticed with my blogging that it goes in fits and spurts. Right now I'm sort of quiet ... I know that's bizarre. I wonder what it is that triggers a writing spell. I'm not real sure but it seems to be the way it goes. I haven't felt all tat inspired lately - that's a new thing for me.
I think it's sort of because it's only beginning to set in with Wally and I that we are done a certain chapter in our lives.
The last chapter was really all about a risk, all about adventure. It truly was exciting.
Now we are in more of a season (sharp turn there sorry) of reward. At least that's what I feel. We got Wally's first pay cheque the other day and we both sat down on the couch while we opened the pay stub. We just stared at it for a few moments in awe. The numbers were much bigger than we were used to. Especially the 'per hour' ones. We did some mental figuring and were in disbelief that even with just his paycheque we would have enough to fulfill our needs. It was a weird feeling.
Not to mention the fact that a few days later I received my first paycheque. It was the first paycheque I have ever received for a full time job. Before I always got cash or a mitt full of small cheques. This time I got to experience what it was like to say goodbye to nearly a third of it right off the hop. Not as exciting as I thought.
Anyways, now we are trying to get used to this new way of life and trying to maintain our debt free status for as long as possible. We are very fortunate people.
I think it'll take a while to get used to. I would love to know what is around the bend for us, but wouldn't we all. I think now is the time for us to relaly spend some time seeking God in what he wants us ot do for Him. Even in saying that I have know idea what that really means.
I guess I think of it in terms of Wally and I learning together, experiencing growing opportunities together (hopefully Thailand), reaching out to our community by giving our time to help others in practical ways together. Lots of togetherness.
Of course there is also the obvious question of children. The plan was that when school was done for my thirtieth birthday we would begin the steps towards adoption. Since school finished quicker than we noticed we may hold off 6 months to a year to get sed to this new place in our lives. I have a feeling that however our children come it will be as exciting and spontaneous as our last chapter of our lives.
At least I hope so.
Good night.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Honesty
A brief note to say...
It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.
Up the wall and around the corner.
Keeps me up at night (ok not really).
Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).
The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.
Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).
I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.
I'm just curious.
Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.
parkerandgrissom@hotmail.com
Don't let me die.
It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.
Up the wall and around the corner.
Keeps me up at night (ok not really).
Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).
The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.
Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).
I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.
I'm just curious.
Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.
parkerandgrissom@hotmail.com
Don't let me die.
Day 20 of Successfulness
It'd be really easy just to list off everything I ate and stuff everyday. To count of my calories and say 'you do the math', but that's not what I'm going to do. Who wants to read a blog like that?
Who wants to write a blog like that.
Not me.
Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.
I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...
Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.
I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?
I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.
I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.
Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.
On a different front...
When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).
Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.
I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.
Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.
*Long Pause*
I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.
Geez man.
*Sigh*
I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.
Hmmm.....
I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?
There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.
It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).
Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?
Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.
I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.
Contentment ...
Who wants to write a blog like that.
Not me.
Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.
I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...
Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.
I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?
I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.
I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.
Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.
On a different front...
When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).
Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.
I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.
Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.
*Long Pause*
I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.
Geez man.
*Sigh*
I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.
Hmmm.....
I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?
There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.
It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).
Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?
Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.
I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.
Contentment ...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 19 of Successfulness
Yes I am back to the number thing. Well, at least for the moment. We'll see.
Last week I worked lots. For some reason a 42 hour week seems far longer when it starts and stops a hundred times through out. You see I have a lot of days that consist of me starting the day at 7:30 or 8 am, working until noon, then back in (somewhere else) at 4pm and working until 10pm. It's not torture or anything but if I were to choose my hours in a day they may not be exactly as scheduled. But it's all part of training. And this field.
Anyways, last week was primarily spent working my 42 hours amongst 6 days here and there - many of my shifts being my first 'on my own' ones. Overall they went very well. YAY!
In other news the past couple of weeks have found themselves far (oh so far) from the wagon. I found myself a little down last week. I think I was perhaps a tad overwhelmed with all the new work, the party planning (and trying to be understood by everyone who's helping), and the fact that I am currently leaving our apartment looking like that of a college student every time I exit it. And I guess now that I'm not one I can't do that anymore. (Come to think of it I never did that then ... really).
Wally commented how I seem to use something and when I'm done with it just leave it where ever I last was. Apparently this isn't normal. Or at least not acceptable.
By the time Sunday came (my only day off) the place looked like a tornado hit it. (I do, incidentally, know what that looks like first hand). I honestly haven't felt like I had any energy or concern for the fact that there was more silverware in the living room than in the kitchen (or food for that matter). Or that every pair of underwear I had was in the wash patiently waiting for their turn in the machine, while I had to torture a pair today that really should have waited until successfulness had reaped some results. Oh yes and let's not forget the fact that I was beginning to be kind to the environment by writing my notes to Wally in the accumulated dust on our furniture.
All this to say I seemed wiped out and completely overrun with stuff to 'catch up' on and not any ambition to do so in sight. I think all of this contributed to the fact that I have not even cared one shred about any stupid diet or competition.
I realized today that I was really just choosing to live in denial (of some magnitude). I have been avoiding the truth of my 'issues' or at least avoiding the solution to them. I avoided the scale, (which so eloquently told me today that the weight was not going to jump off of my body because I had good intentions - weird eh?). I realized that by not reminding myself of the truth I was just running from it.
So this morning before I ate my fabulous Fibre One and cottage cheese with cinnamon for breakfast, I grabbed the electronic scale and faced the facts. I quickly stripped down to my undies (because you needed to know), but didn't go too crazy (I kept my watch and rings on). I stepped on that scale with confidence and strength. After seeing the number that stared back at me, wondered if perhaps confidence and strength added weight to my number.
Either way I got the truth and I accepted it. I didn't get off of the scale sad or angry. I didn't feel ugly or defeated. Instead I felt challenged. Challenged to, once again, be the person I know that I am. Who knew a scale could go that deep eh?
Well anyways I've had a good day in the realm of successfulness and decided to bring back the title. I decided that successfulness shouldn't be completely based on the outside result but also the scenery along the way. It took 19 days to get here and each have taught me something. Ok so I'll be honest I'm not exactly sure what but I'm sure they have right?
P.S. After breakfast during the 2 hours I had before work I finally dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, put some Christmas stuff away, did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, made my successful lunch and had time to finish some paperwork for work. It's amazing what accepting the truth will do!
Last week I worked lots. For some reason a 42 hour week seems far longer when it starts and stops a hundred times through out. You see I have a lot of days that consist of me starting the day at 7:30 or 8 am, working until noon, then back in (somewhere else) at 4pm and working until 10pm. It's not torture or anything but if I were to choose my hours in a day they may not be exactly as scheduled. But it's all part of training. And this field.
Anyways, last week was primarily spent working my 42 hours amongst 6 days here and there - many of my shifts being my first 'on my own' ones. Overall they went very well. YAY!
In other news the past couple of weeks have found themselves far (oh so far) from the wagon. I found myself a little down last week. I think I was perhaps a tad overwhelmed with all the new work, the party planning (and trying to be understood by everyone who's helping), and the fact that I am currently leaving our apartment looking like that of a college student every time I exit it. And I guess now that I'm not one I can't do that anymore. (Come to think of it I never did that then ... really).
Wally commented how I seem to use something and when I'm done with it just leave it where ever I last was. Apparently this isn't normal. Or at least not acceptable.
By the time Sunday came (my only day off) the place looked like a tornado hit it. (I do, incidentally, know what that looks like first hand). I honestly haven't felt like I had any energy or concern for the fact that there was more silverware in the living room than in the kitchen (or food for that matter). Or that every pair of underwear I had was in the wash patiently waiting for their turn in the machine, while I had to torture a pair today that really should have waited until successfulness had reaped some results. Oh yes and let's not forget the fact that I was beginning to be kind to the environment by writing my notes to Wally in the accumulated dust on our furniture.
All this to say I seemed wiped out and completely overrun with stuff to 'catch up' on and not any ambition to do so in sight. I think all of this contributed to the fact that I have not even cared one shred about any stupid diet or competition.
I realized today that I was really just choosing to live in denial (of some magnitude). I have been avoiding the truth of my 'issues' or at least avoiding the solution to them. I avoided the scale, (which so eloquently told me today that the weight was not going to jump off of my body because I had good intentions - weird eh?). I realized that by not reminding myself of the truth I was just running from it.
So this morning before I ate my fabulous Fibre One and cottage cheese with cinnamon for breakfast, I grabbed the electronic scale and faced the facts. I quickly stripped down to my undies (because you needed to know), but didn't go too crazy (I kept my watch and rings on). I stepped on that scale with confidence and strength. After seeing the number that stared back at me, wondered if perhaps confidence and strength added weight to my number.
Either way I got the truth and I accepted it. I didn't get off of the scale sad or angry. I didn't feel ugly or defeated. Instead I felt challenged. Challenged to, once again, be the person I know that I am. Who knew a scale could go that deep eh?
Well anyways I've had a good day in the realm of successfulness and decided to bring back the title. I decided that successfulness shouldn't be completely based on the outside result but also the scenery along the way. It took 19 days to get here and each have taught me something. Ok so I'll be honest I'm not exactly sure what but I'm sure they have right?
P.S. After breakfast during the 2 hours I had before work I finally dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, put some Christmas stuff away, did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, made my successful lunch and had time to finish some paperwork for work. It's amazing what accepting the truth will do!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Still Alive
Once again I am posting something short. I just want to say that I am indeed alive and for some reason drained of thought. Perhaps it's because it is all going into party planning (as mentioned earlier).
I know I really don't need to post little blurbs like this between large posts but I like keeping connected, even in little ways.
Well, I hope to write again sooner than later. I wouldn't mind reading comments though. Or random thoughts. Something entertaining or thoughtful.
But then not many people seem to like to leave those comments, at least not often.
Oh well if you are in the mood and want to share with me something, anything. Would love to hear your voice.
Love,
Eva :)
I know I really don't need to post little blurbs like this between large posts but I like keeping connected, even in little ways.
Well, I hope to write again sooner than later. I wouldn't mind reading comments though. Or random thoughts. Something entertaining or thoughtful.
But then not many people seem to like to leave those comments, at least not often.
Oh well if you are in the mood and want to share with me something, anything. Would love to hear your voice.
Love,
Eva :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Shortie
Another short and bland information post (I think I'll be ready for some writing again in the next couple of days).
I have begun to make some head way on the party front!!! I just booked the DJ for our dance and they sound great. Also am planning to meet with our invitation lady tomorrow as well as my friend who is helping with the decorations.
The past few days I have felt very down about it and a little overwhelmed but after finally booked a DJ I am rejuvenated. I friend reminded me that good things are worth the work. I am believing and trusting that this party will be full of great things!
It's funny most of the time I feel full of life and not caring what people think about my (in this instance crazy party) ideas. But when things become challenging it's easy to doubt yourself and wonder if it'll be fun, meaningful and worth all of the money in the end. I mean if no one came we'd feel pretty silly. I just hope that people catch the 'vision' of creating memories and truly 'celebrating life'. From my little experience planning this party I have quickly learned that people aren't used to celebrating for no apparent reason.
What a shame.
It's silly but I what so much more than a party out fo this party. I want people to 'wake up' and see what a gift they've been given with those around them and with life itself. So much of our time is spent focusing on what we don't have, or who we aren't. Rather than what we do have, the possibilities that lie within and the people we can be.
*sigh*
I can only do my best to project a great attitude of true excitement and fervor for the life I had by living it fully and trying my best to spread the joy I have. Even when I feel like I lose it once in a while.
Well better catch some reads before sleep comes. I haven't been finding resteasily lately. I trust that tonight will be different.
Live baby live.
I have begun to make some head way on the party front!!! I just booked the DJ for our dance and they sound great. Also am planning to meet with our invitation lady tomorrow as well as my friend who is helping with the decorations.
The past few days I have felt very down about it and a little overwhelmed but after finally booked a DJ I am rejuvenated. I friend reminded me that good things are worth the work. I am believing and trusting that this party will be full of great things!
It's funny most of the time I feel full of life and not caring what people think about my (in this instance crazy party) ideas. But when things become challenging it's easy to doubt yourself and wonder if it'll be fun, meaningful and worth all of the money in the end. I mean if no one came we'd feel pretty silly. I just hope that people catch the 'vision' of creating memories and truly 'celebrating life'. From my little experience planning this party I have quickly learned that people aren't used to celebrating for no apparent reason.
What a shame.
It's silly but I what so much more than a party out fo this party. I want people to 'wake up' and see what a gift they've been given with those around them and with life itself. So much of our time is spent focusing on what we don't have, or who we aren't. Rather than what we do have, the possibilities that lie within and the people we can be.
*sigh*
I can only do my best to project a great attitude of true excitement and fervor for the life I had by living it fully and trying my best to spread the joy I have. Even when I feel like I lose it once in a while.
Well better catch some reads before sleep comes. I haven't been finding resteasily lately. I trust that tonight will be different.
Live baby live.
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